I had a thought last night while brushing my teeth. I had just finished viewing The Bourne Ultimatum and was thinking about how the top brass could just order someone killed - they had a license to kill. Then I thought about the fact that we as a society give permission for this kind of thing.

I made a connection back to the Christian belief that all people are inherently flawed and sinful, we are given to commit evil and wrong. So it makes sense that a society would allow someone to kill. What gets me is that many sects of American Christianity also believe that The United States is somehow inherently good - that this country, though made up of inherently flawed and sinful people, is a force for good and doesnt commit wrongs - or if it does then it was for a good reason.

If society is made up of inherently flawed parts isnt the sum of those parts flawed as well? After all the corruption and deception over the years why do people wave the American flag like it is on par with Jesus?

Have American Christians (certain sects) abandoned God for the false idol of patriotism?

I just found out that if you live in Iowa and want to caucus there is no earthly reason not to. I just made a phone call to one of the campaigns and thought they would tell me where to board a bus to go to Des Moines for a day. Instead they gave me instructions to go to a location about 3 blocks from my home in the evening of Jan. 3 and stand in the section for the candidate of my choice.

Nice.

In fact, I can even re-register to vote to reflect my name change and change of address since the last election.

So, if you live in Iowa, can legally vote, and have chosen a candidate you believe in then for the love of god, go to caucus!

CNN has joined second life Another step into the virtual world. Its interesting to see how far Second Life is gonna go. I was listening to the radio the other day, streaming it from my laptop,naturally, and along with the usual forms of participation - calling in, emailing a question, you could also log on to Second Life, find the show's avatar, and ask your question that way.

He's back. how i wish it were true.

I was going past a church marquee the other day and saw yet another "clever" slogan that is sure to pull impressed people into the service this next sunday. Lately I have begun to notice these signs more and more. Im struck by the banners on the side of churches shouting out mission and vision statements full of words like "hope, caring, love, ordinary/extraordinary, community" etc. Churches truly are copying the corporate world of branding by putting these on their marquees and buying giant banners printed in bold letters. Spending time in meetings with business managers to determine which 5-10 word statement best describes all those outreach activities they are going to do once they have decided on the mission statement and ordered t-shirts.

Its not bad to want people to know you are those things, its good. What gives me pause is that many evangelical churches spend so much time proclaiming they aren't like the "world" and crafting their alternatives to this perceived evil force. Key issues are denounced like abortion, homosexuality, divorce,and pre-marital sex. But in so many ways the church embraces, and is a product of, the very culture it derrides. Damaging things like gossip, boastfulness, pride, gluttony, selfishness, etc. are not called out. That might make people feel guilty, but since the majority havent had an abortion or are gay, those things are safe to attack.

The rampant individualism and lifestyle gluttony is very present in most evangelical families/individuals. They hear about feeding and clothing the poor and think " if only we could afford to help!" and then go blow $50 on lunch after church. For years this has frustrated me. This is one of the reasons I stopped attending services at a church building is because every week was too stressful. When I sought out an older believer for advice and guidance -wisdom! I found few or none. If I found someone who fit the bill, they were already swamped with other people who had found them first and were on the brink of burnout. When I would try to live like Jesus and make changes I found it was a very lonely thing to do. But when I wanted to go bowling or have a Super Bowl party, there were plenty of people lined up.

Im tired, I realized not to long ago. Im tired of searching and searching. As I told Josh this weekend, I miss Jesus. I miss being gathered somewhere I know he is present. I want to know real salvation, feel truly saved from my desperate sin filled state - not just empty promises of "hope, love, care, and above all, Purpose!"

maybe more to come....

This is quickly turning into the joe the cat blog, but i couldnt resist doing this.

because i miss him and we talked on the phone yesterday.

pretty darn cool stuff.

I dont ususally read fox news on purpose, for reasons that are obvious. However, I did read an article today from their website because it was one of the first i could find on a breaking news event. on the right hand side they had other popular stories, including one on the development of a G.I. Joe movie.

9/10 of the article is a rant about "anti-american" Hollywood destroying an "american icon". The main beef is that G.I. Joe will not be specifically american, but rather an international team of covert whatevers....and how this is tantamount to burning the flag. They have quotes from various military guys and a conservative blogger all testifying to, and i quote, " this is the last spit in the face of the military".

really? i think maybe the last spit in the face of the military is the day to day existence military members and their families live. Underpaid, overworked, and little to no thanks.

As someone who has lived abroad and gotten a decent picture of the international perception of U.S. and U.S. culture, I can say I am glad they are making these changes. I cringed through " Independence Day" when I watched it with my host family. I had never realized before how arrogant America looks in the movies, especially military - save the world epics.

I believe that the U.S. is the last superpower, a dying breed, and we are gasping our last hospice breaths, propped up on pillows made for our comfort in China. We need to rid ourselves of this notion that we are the be-all-end-all gladiator with a shining face and noble mantle to carry the rest of the world on our shoulders.

The world is changing and deciding it doesnt need us to carry it around, they are discovering they have arms, legs, and voices of their own. The current state of glohttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifbal affairs shows the old imperial system is ripping at the seams. G.I. Joe isnt welcomed in many places, and instead of asking "what's wrong with them?" we need to ask what is wrong with us.



source

Last night as I drove home I was treated to a fantastic lightening show. We have been very lucky with that for the last week - I love waking up to a noisy bright storm and drifting back to sleep while it rains - but the water level in the rivers is getting out of control. I drove over the bridge this morning and looking upstream could definitely see the difference.

Josh got a new job and his last day at the Courier is next thursday. he is going to do pizza hut with his friend tim, for less hours and more pay. That will help pay some bills but the goal is to have him work only one job as soon as possible.

Last night I was at Cup of Joe with karen and we were going over wedding plans when this guy walked in - it was about 10 minutes until closing. he asked when they closed and then walked to the back, took out a guitar and harmonica and started playing and singing. Now its cool if you want to perform and Im not a wet blanket conformist, but the cafe hadnt asked him to play and it made it difficult to talk with that going on. Oh well.

i am officially weirded out. I checked my bank account balance this morning and it was $666.16. I am holding right now for AppleCare tech support and the waiting song started with " the days are numbered 666...." I am concerned about how today will turn out.

**edit** i reached into my handbag earlier today and took out my phone. the keyguard was off and the button had been pushed 15 times and the screen said 66666666666666

Awesome!!!

Play Poke the Bunny

Here are more pictures of the incredibly awesome Joe the cat.

so i am cat - sitting this weekend and joe brought his favorite mouse with him. We threw it for him and cat at full speed and wood floors equals comedy. Of course the most brilliant moments werent captured but this was:

once again my mind is blown. not only is this a cool device with loads of potential but, its from microsoft??!? I read about this awhile back but this is the first video i have seen:

i created a blog for the wedding and for me and josh

joshysarah.blogspot.com

so this one goes out to josh........ again.

im sitting in my stale office today -- guess the magic of climate control has escaped the maintenance guys once again. They try, god bless them, but a lot of basic things seem to be beyond their grasp... anyways..

Living downtown now for almost two months. I decided to have a random housewarming, i wanted to wait awhile, have my house look spectacular.. but that will take a lot longer and by then my house might already be warm. (ha!) i enjoy being down here, some days I dont even drive at all. A girlfriend moved in a few doors down june 01 so we carpool often to the grocery, etc. My porch is huge, which is nice because i sit out there to enjoy the weather or to eat and hang out with friends. Living on my own at first was really tough. I didnt have tv, and i still dont, and no internet at first so once i was in my place i was effectively cut off. it was a rough transition at first but i dont know if i want a tv now, i havent watched it for about two months and havent really missed it. I have watched a few times at Josh's house but i get restless quickly.

I have started volunteering at the foodbank. The funny thing is I just go down there because I want to be there and I keep getting asked why I am there. Am I a part of some church group? Am I doing community service? Nope, just me I say. I didnt know it was unusual for someone to just come and volunteer. The first thing i did was pick strawberries at a farm just outside of town. it was a lovely afternoon to be out there and i picked just over 9 lbs. My legs definitely got a workout..

Also in breaking news... Josh and I decided to get married. I know, at first it was really surreal for me. I who have been adamently single and independent my whole life am giving it up. But I must say, I can't think of a better way or person to give it up for. I believe that we all live seasons of life, and when they are over it is best to admit that and get excited for the next. My single life is coming to an end.. in october to be exact, and I am very peaceful about that.

I doubt myself more than him in this decision because I tend to to do that about new things. The subtle shift in our relationship since we decided this has been amazing, i dont feel just me anymore. I am becoming an us, and I am ok with it. Rest assured I will never be one of those lame "us-es" who speaks in couple-ese only and disappears off the radar of my single friends. I do know there will be changes but I will cross those bridges when I get to them.

Did I mention that I am so very content and excited?

i need to write this down because i think if i get it outside of my head I might be able to figure it out. I hope I dont catch a lot of flack for it but here it is. When couples or girls that I know announce they are pregnant, I have yet to be truly excited for any of them. I dont hate kids and I adore several of the children of my friends, but when I know people before they have kids and they announce they are not going to be that way anymore I am disappointed and sad about it. I dont think my singleness is to blame, at least completely. I have the feeling that something else is at work as well and I want to discover it. I guess the question that comes to mind is why should I be happy for people? Especially people I dont think should have children, at least in their current circumstance. I thought perhaps that I was the only one who doesnt get excited about this but a friend and I recently discussed it and she feels the same way. When everyone else is smiling and offering congratulations she is holding back " oh, im soo sorry!" So at least I know i am not alone.

Do i need to be nothing but happy?

so doing well on the financial front. i consolidated my credit cards down to a low interest one at the credit union so i will pay it off quicker. one of the cards "lost" my cashier's check so now I have to resend it -- overnighted-- and ask for the late fee to be removed. jerks. i just moved to a new place that is more rent. but i dont have to drive to work, pay for internet, or use my lights a lot because i have a skylight that lets in plenty of light during the day. once my cards are paid off i will apply that money to my car loan and pay it off. after that i will have a lot more money to save and do other things with. That is what I am focused on. This move business though throws a wrench in things as far as paying for new things while still paying for the old, but in a month it should be fine.

Small Rant

I recently glanced through some books a website recommended for christian women. I was very disapointed by the covers of these books. With little variation they all stuck to the same theme, scripty fonts, pastel colors, and at least one flower somewhere and/or an object in a fuzzy glow, usually a bouquet of flowers, like these:


















This seems as pre-meditated as the Harlequin romance books. I feel let down by this. Am I really a flowery fruity softie? Sure I like flowers, but I also like skulls and farts(well, i dont search out farts, but if they happen i am ok with it). The one book cover on this list that attracted my attention is this:

I dont know if I am interested in the subject matter, but I feel like I am being treated like a reasonable adult in this cover. This cover suggests that the woman who reads it might have a bit of intelligence. This book, however, isnt written just for women, its a biography of a woman. So I dont know if I can really count it. But it does represent what I wish was being done more in women's publishing.

How handy!

I usually forget that my left-handedness is different. This is probably because over time one becomes used to adapting to the right handed world and automatically adjusts every time you are presented with a new "handedness" problem. These are perennial things that bother me as left handed person.

* The stylus on credit card machines is attached on the right side, making it very awkward for me to sign my name.

* When a sales clerk prints out a receipt for me to sign they hand it to me angled for a right person to write on it.

* Drive up ATMs are awkward to use because to lean out the car I pin my left arm inside

* Three ring binders are awful to take notes in, my hand is always rubbing on the center rings. (This goes for day planners too!)

* In my country everything is set up in the car for a right handed person

I am not in a very good place right now. I am trying my best in a lot of things and cannot seem to make any headway. even now, I am anxious and uncertain about my future because I cannot seem to make anything better. My education has giant gaping holes in it and this has handicapped me. My job is difficult and I am not sure how to proceed. I am lost, tired, and confused. Writing it out doesnt even help.

my favorite spanish song. unplugged. hate all you want it wont bring me down!

so I have started a new blog, bikinimilitant. I feel the need to have a seperate blog for my philosophical thoughts and experiences, this blog will continue as my personal life story.

financial responsibility.



i have paid my bills on time this month and am making big payments to my credit cards. I found a high yield money market account over the weekend thanks to a friend, so im excited about that. My next goal is to get a loan interest rate card and consolidate my two cards on that and pay it off faster. what a nice feeling to being working my way to freedom.

sssshhh.....

i interrupt. i dont listen. i have too much noise in my life. im going to consciously be more silent, learn to trust quiet, and not need to fill it. i have the apprehension that if i dont stop talking and start listening that i am going to miss hearing something i need to hear.

experiment

I have decided to perform an experiment and keep a public record of my adventures in paying off my credit card debt. I will not post revealing details about my debt, like card numbers or anything, just the numbers. I want to do this as a way to keep myself accountable for paying my bills and to live a more transparent life. I am deciding on the format and will make my first post within the next few days.

That said, I visited my grandpa at the hospital tonight. I havent seen him in exactly one month, and he looks a hundred times better to me. He doesnt have half the machines in his room as last time and all the tubes are gone from his face. His coloring is better and he doesnt like like a breeze would blow him over. He still is very weak and fragile and has a big struggle ahead of him, but im glad i get to replace my previous image of him in my head with this better one. I am going to see him again tomorrow morning before I go back home, he was rather sleeply when i stopped in this evening.

poor richard

even as i write this richard is lying on the bottom of his vase. I dont know how much time richard has in the land of the living. He sleeps a lot, but lately has taken to lying on his side and suddenly zipping about before lying down again. he still has an appetite, so who knows. I am a bit concerned. Little bastard needs to live, he still has half a bag of food to eat.

to be or not to be

i am contemplating whether or not the life i want can actually exist. All the factors that in my mind would equal a satisfying experience exist individually, but can they all exist at once and fulfill my ideal? Can i be creative enough to have a good creative job, or do the realities of day to day business with difficult clients and the bottom line cloud my vision? Is my ideal unrealistic? Do i even know what I really want? I know I dont like working, i would much rather invest my time other ways. I am searching for this be all end all job/career, and i dont know if i am going to find it. where did i get this idea?

Changes. just like tupac said, change comes to all of us.

My life has changed, and in a lot of ways. i'm 25 years old. im not a kid anymore, and in fact many of my friends have kids. i wear business clothes and go to a job. i dont like staying out until 4 a.m. just because i can.

i wonder sometimes if i hold on to the few bits of youth that I have left as long as i can before i succomb to the last hallmarks of adulthood. Nights out with my friends for a pint or two, doing my errands by myself, staying in with no one else home, i like these things. Will they lose their luster as well? Probably.

The question I have to answer for myself is am I ready for more changes?