Season of Doom

im so cold right now at work. my fingers are freezing. fall/winter has officially arrived for me. why do i get so cold so easily? i wish i had a custom made hamster ball for me to take everywhere so i had a perfect climate all the time. no unholy wind forcing its icy hands down the back of my neck and through the zipper of my coat, no more cold harsh air stingy my lungs with icicles. i am officially beginning my countdown to warm weather. one day down one gazillion to go.

Scars

I have been thinking about scars. Scars are one of the things that make a person unique. I have seen cool scars, terrible scars, ugly scars, and unusual scars. The idea of the scar is intriguing. Many of the events in our lives that define us live only in our memories, when we die those memories go with us and the records of those events are lost. Scars are an independent witness to our lives that we carry with us, a kind of passport. I carry the memory of how the scar was created but someone else can at least know that something happened and depending on the location and shape can probably guess what happened.

I have two slits on the back of my shoulder and one of the front. This means that I had my shoulder scoped when I was 19. To me that brings back memories of the excrutiating pain of physical therapy and the disappointing realization that my shoulder will never be strong no matter what i do.

I have a scar on my forehead and a couple more on my wrist from chickenpox as a child. That brings back memories of my brother bringing home the chickenpox from school and laying at home sick and watching tv while trying not to scratch.

My surgery scar was an injury to help me, chickenpox was a rite of passage in childhood.

I had a friend tell me recently that she has scars from past relationships, things that happened to her that no matter what happens to her in the future, she will bear the mark of that trauma. She cant escape that past. Another friend, who is happily married, told me that even though she has found someone who is right for her she still has the scars from an old relationship that hurt a lot. It was startling for me to see the scar of that pain in her eyes. I didnt realize until then I might carry an unfair view of married people as people whose pasts are magically wiped away by a wedding band. That moment definitely will stay with me.

I too have scars from the past that will show my whole life. The funny thing is we try to hide our scars because it seems we will be rejected by the world if they are exposed. But when someone sees my scars (physical and non) they dont recoil in horror. They usually say something like "thats nothing, you gotta see this one" and show me one of theirs. I do the same thing to other people.

Where do we get this perfection complex? I have a nagging voice in my head that tells me i need to be perfect everyday because if i screw up then i am lost forever and there is no way to grace.

I think I am going to try to be comfortable with my scars and accept them as a part of my life. To be comfortable in my skin.

Jesus has scars. that's an interesting idea.

.......this one is going out to Josh......sorry for the delay. won't happen again.

So my birthday was this weekend. I am officially 25 years old. Last year my friends threw me a surprise party which was a blast. this year was markedly different mostly because it was more subdued. but i had just as much fun. the only hard part of birthdays and such is you have to make sure all your friends who may not know each other very well are not bored and like each other.

We went out to jameson's pub and some of us were in costume. I was dressed as an iPod commercial, which in theory is a good costume and is almost cool in practice, but looks kinda creepy when your whole face is blacked out except your eyes. it had a zoolander effect, but creepier. I took my makeup off halfway through the night because my face felt like a slab of concrete and i couldnt make the facial gestures required of a birthday girl at an irish pub on halloween weekend.

I am the sort that looks back at certain times of the year (4th of July and my birthday) and compare my current situation with that of the year previous. Overall, each time I look back I see overwhelming improvement. One year ago I was going to begin my first real post grad job tomorrow, i lived in a neat, if impossibly small, apartment. I had a junker little car and wasnt sure if I would ever get to be a designer.

This year I am one year into my real job, I am working as a designer and have a better car(in theory). I have a bigger place to live, with a great kitchen, and live near some of my closest friends.

I had a good time this year, and fell asleep with a smile on my face. i wonder what will happen this next year.

My Security Blanket

I realized tonight that sex and the city is my adult security blanket. Boys may never understand this show and its power over women, but it is quite possibly one of the best things ever. Right up there with Anne of Green Gables as far as tv shows are concerned. Every girl identifies with the good times, the bad times, and shoes. We all have a Mr. Big, an Aidan, and a Berger.


Certain episodes remind me of different parts of my life, mostly living with some good friends one summer before my last year of college. it was a good time. We watched entire seasons in one day and commiserated.

When I see re-runs on tv i feel like im comfortable place, like going home a little bit. i know that carrie and samantha and charlotte and miranda will always be there for me no matter what.

Choice and Freedom

My decision to lay down my old lifestyle and old habits has allowed me a freedom I never knew before. I am not a slave to all those old things. Release from emotional prison has given me the eyes to see other places I am captive in my life. Financially, I am held back by school debt, car loan, and credit cards. School debt doesnt bother so much because it was an investment. The car loan is a short term thing and builds credit score. The credit cards are the problem. I am not a big spender, but have had to use them and it takes awhile to pay off the bigger purchases I made. I want to become financially free from this so I am learning to discipline my spending. Its not too hard to not buy clothes, music, or other material goods but i am quite weak when it comes to food, alcohol, and trips. The less money I spend the more money I have to pay towards the cards. I practiced today at the store and it worked more or less. I did buy a coffee but I got a houseblend not a fancy mocha frappa cappa latte au lait drink. It will take work but its better to work now and be free than to stay captive indefinitely.

Trannys: Old and New

So my car does need the new tranny. I guess when it had the accident a few years ago it may have caused unseen problems with the transmission that are surfacing now. So that is 2k out of the pocket but I am just glad I can pay for it and will have a car with a good resale value. I didnt even think about it being related to the fact the car is a salvage title, but at least i know it wasnt something I neglected or did. I worked out last night for the first time in a long time, and my legs are so sore. I really need to motivate myself to work out tomorrow night, hopefully it wont be too bad. I will do some stretching tonight. oh yeah........(kool aid man voice). I am hanging out with my friend amber this weekend, it will be nice to see her and her kid. I think she has known me longer than any of my current friends, since I was 18. Its crazy to think back that far and think of all the things that have happened.

next weekend is my birthday and i think my friend amber, whose birthday is two days later, should get off our asses and have our much discussed party. the only bad thing about parties is you have great ideas but you dont have the money to spend on them. oh well, we will figure it out.

so how spacey am i. i decided to take advantage of my eye doctor benefits and scheduled an eye exam from the list an insurance lady gave me on the phone. I called the office and made the appt. for friday at 10:30. Tonight at home I realize that i dont know if it is this friday or next (next i think) or where the office is. Gaads, I am a brilliant girl. I guess I can call tomorrow. I am looking into getting new glasses, at least my lenses are free in this plan and possibly the frames, if not free, will be partially discounted. I need some new glasses because I think my prescription is a bit old and these frames I have got bent in africa so they slide off my face if I look down. I also have to call the insurance company about my wisdom teeth. Looking forward to that surgery about 7 years after my dentist first recommended it. No more headaches!

Its kind of pathetic how i havent used my insurance when I could have. I think I got so used to being uninsured that it just doesnt occurr to me.

i was reading a friend's blog and saw the following comment:

what a poignant account of the narative we all have in our hearts. would that we all recognized how desperate we are; the faithful hide their desperation so well. thomas merton once said that harlem proclaims its sin from the roof tops while hollywood covers it in glitter. as the years pass, i recognize, if only in the barest, slightest whisperings of my soul, that it is better to be harlem. at least then my self-deception is washed away and though left raw, i am free. free to be healed and to start again and follow the Lord in any way i may. this is the gospel, i think...this is Christ. and i like to say that again and again whenever i remember.

I think that i agree, when God scrubs off the dirt it leaves me raw, but at least I am clean and free.

i dont have to work my first job this morning. so i get to stay home a little bit and be lazy. that doesnt happen much anymore. it used to be my lifestyle of choice. I rescheduled my car appt for wednesday, because it works better, but its more delay in knowing my fate. im kinda sleepy still, i think the rain isnt helping me wake up and be motivated. crap, i just remembered i have to pay utility bills before work today. but first a little snooze before i really have to get up.

i love glass, especially colored glass.
i love homemade quilts.
i love antique greeting cards.
i love good old movies on a sunday afternoon.
i love listening to the rain when i am bed.
i love trees in the fall that look like smoldering embers
i love re-reading birthday cards from friends that remind me of good things.
i love taking tea in the afternoon with karen.
i love speaking spanish.
i love discovering something new.
i love the water, the ocean in particular.
i love shiny, smooth aluminum foil.
i love midnight during a snowfall when there is no wind and the world is so quiet and soft.
i love a purring sleepy cat on my lap.
i love reading a book that makes me forget where i am or what time it is.
i love creating something new.
i love making my friends laugh.
i love laughing.
i love adam's hot cocoa.
i love good poetry.
i love the way children show love.
i love scarves.
i love making a great dinner.
i love great wine.
i love going to bed when i am so tired my body hurts.
i love a brilliant sunset.
i love surprises.
i love when my friend shows me a better way to be without knowing it.
i love learning.
i love color.
i love singing old hymns in a group.
i love warm toes.
i love waking up in love with someone.
i love gentleness.
i love seeing an old friend.
i love to travel.
i love the burger king in victoria station.
i love pretty much everything london.
i love spain.
i love talking on the phone when it is necessary.
i love curling my hair on occassion.
i love new shoes.

i hate it when you are tired of thinking of something and talking about it but it wont leave your mind. i hope this personal dissection ends soon so i can get on with changing my life so i dont have to find myself back in this same place again. This is a hard place to be and I dont ever want to come back.

I have a new set of eyes. "Those that have hears let them hear and those that have eyes let them see". Thats me now. In spiritual matters, I believe that life happens and we make choices to either grow closer to or further away from God. I have taken a step closer. I realized a long time ago in my head that I am not doomed to repeat the past if I dont want to, but my heart still chose to carry around the weight everyday. My head made the right changes but it couldnt travel to my spirit and show up in my actions. I was reading Celebration of Discipline and thinking of the how it echos The Complex Christ, or vice versa since it was written first when it hit me. I am free, free from all those ghosts that have haunted me. I had the mental revelations over this past week, but for the first time I had the spiritual awakening I have pursued.


But that is not the way you learned Christ! assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self,which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds,and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

For the first time it is possible for me to do this. I felt the Holy Spirit work a subtle transformation. All I could do was laugh and feel free for the first time in a long time. Freedom doesnt mean guranteed happiness or all the answers, but it does mean the ability to make choices and improve upon myself, and i can definitely handle that.

crap. the seals are leaking.have to take apart the entire transmission. minimum one grand to fix. crap. this sucks so bad. i will get over it but it does put a dent in my debt free as soon as i can be plan.

crap. my axel shaft is leaking. i have to take it to the dealer. they said it can be anything from an axle all the way to an entire transmission. faaaaaaaaaa........... i knew my dad jinxed me a couple weeks ago when he asked how my car was doing. crap.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin
Then I wouldn't be lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

I just want to feel safe in my own skin just want to be happy again.
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin just want to be happy again.
I just want to feel safe in my own skin just want to be happy again.

I had my iTunes on shuffle this morning and this song came on. Its one of those songs that brings up memories of the past, and is connected to events that were important and changed you. I remember the summer after I graduated high school and I first discovered Dido with my friend Amanda. It was the soundtrack of our summer. I listened to it infrequently after that, and now I think I am rediscovering it. I have to be honest with myself over what has happened in the past month. I talked with my dear friend Jenny today about all the changes I am experiencing and she likened it to when we went to Tanzania and were preparing to step off the bus that took us to the church where we were going to stay. We all knew this was a significant moment, that we were going to experience brand new things and there might be some scary bits, some happy bits, some sad bits, etc. but we were all going to step off that bus. Stepping onto the red dirt of the churchyard was a physical symbol of the internal acknowledgement that things were about to change.

And it was true, I am not the same person. And yes, part of it was hard, part of it was incredible, part of it was sorrowful, etc. but i learned and improved on my character. that trip set the stage for a great work in my heart.

Now I am symbolically stepping off the bus again in my personal life. I have been traveling towards change for the past 1.5 years, just like i prepared to go to africa before I got there. I broke off a relationship that was damaging my spirit and wasnt going anywhere. I gave myself time to distance myself from that past and discover who I was and learn why I cant let myself sacrifice my spiritual or emotional self just to have someone want me for their girl.

It took some time but things did change in my heart and mind, I now have no desire for that kind of relationship. Until I tried a new relationship, though, I had no idea that I still had my old dating habits. Kind of like new wine in an old wineskin.

And boy, how that old wineskin did split. I found myself confused and totally in over my head. I caught myself in these old habits, almost powerless to stop myself, and so disappointed that I couldnt. It was the oddest experience. My head knew what was going on but my body just didnt pay attention. I didnt want to act the way I did and so I kind of froze and Im sure sent a bunch of confusing mixed signals that probably came across as very hot-cold. I couldnt feel a consistent way even though I wanted to. I didnt know how.

So I am going to learn how to become a new wineskin, so that I can have that which I caught a glimpse of, a wonderful way to do a relationship. Not based on physical attraction and fixation, but on a common interest in each other and each other's lives. To be involved and interdependent, and to develop a deeper friendship that cant be matched. and then add a little kissing on top for good measure.

i had a dream last night about tanzania. It segued from one dream, i was cuddling on a couch with i guess i would say a significant other, im not sure who it was, which is another mystery. why do we have dreams and dont know the identity of a key player? All I remember is he was very good at kissing my neck. I think I know who it was but the uncertainty is always disappointing , i would like to remember these things more clearly.
Anyways...to the point of the story. I was cuddling on the couch with john doe and oh yeah, the couch was lit in an eternal sunshine memory erasing way, sorta spotlighted. I was pulled away from the couch and went to a completely new scene. I was in Tanzania, and under a outdoor park shelter the elders and other people were there. I ran around hugging and kissing everyone and searching out those I hadnt seen yet. I remember crying out their names as I saw them and they all smiled and embraced me. it was so real, i woke up and was confused, I didnt know where I was for a second. weird. i havent dreamed about tanzania in awhile.

can a stage four person be counseled by a stage three? I recently entered into a mentor relationship with a woman at my church whom I became friends with over the past year. I thought this mentor relationship would be a good thing, and I still do, but I dont know how much I am going to learn. She is a very loving person, and very sincere about her commitment to this but I dont know if she is the best mentor for me. But Im doing this for a reason and maybe I can learn something that I would never expect thru this relationship. I hope so. I shouldnt disqualify an experience because it doesnt like the best at first.

frick. fall is definitely here and seems in a huge hurry to pass the baton on to winter. I love chilly weather when its friendly chilly. the kind that I can wear a heavy jacket and scarf and warm my fingers with a coffee while I crunch leaves under my feet. That only lasts about 2 weeks unfortunately and then the cold sets in and chills me to the core. I hate being cold because I get cold so easily. I wish winter was that first 2 weeks that I enjoy so much, but unfortunately where I live that isnt going to happen without some serious global warming. So once again I brace myself for to freeze the next 4-5 months hoping for spring.

random socio-economic thought. societies exist to increase safety(safety in numbers) and everyone's general chance of survival. I think the western world has gotten so good at being a successful model of survival that people have forgotten that there's no gurantee that you will survive. the collective continues on but we have grown so accustomed to safety that anytime tragedy strikes and someone dies that it is greeted with shock that our system failed. we have take death out of life and i think we have lost a part of life in the process. We live in a bubble padded world where safety is a right and a happy ending is demanded. I am realizing more and more that not many people live out that fantasy as reality and have to come to terms with the idea that maybe my story wont have a happy ending, that my safety is not guranteed forever and death has to be a part of life so that you can actually tell when you are living.

the fallout continues. why is it that certain events do more to change one than years of experiences? Or maybe its the watershed moment that allows you to see what has been happening slowly but surely over time and it can be overwhelming. The waters of my mind and spirit have been stirred and all that silt is everywhere in my head. So many things I havent let myself think about in a long time. One conversation and I am forever changed.

I have a lot of choices to make. But no idea where to start.
Do i use past experience to guide me or do I let memories of past experience gone wrong make me full of doubt for the future?
Things change so quickly or from the beginning can be not what they seem, so what do I trust?
Do i keep to the things I know, even if they havent worked out before or do I press forward into the radically new?
Do I play myself or play against type? Do I typecast myself and not believe I could ever have things differently or do i try to be something I am not?
About a year ago I believed I was in love with someone, and I think he thought the same. We had shared some great experiences together, like studying abroad in the same city, and I think that shared history caused us to build a false positive.
The quiet place in my soul knew it was wrong and couldnt be sustained because it just knows. without proof or confirmation from an outside source.
I let it go on, because I wanted it to be true. I needed it to be true. I wanted to finally have that relationship problem solved.
I learned last fall/winter that you cant sustain something like that, even as hard as you try. At least not me. my quiet place spoke too loudly and guided too firmly to permit that. I couldnt ignore the still small voice that had never been wrong before.
He wasnt my "type". I thought I needed to find a new type because the my "type" leaves me with a broken heart and scared to try again. I know my mistake now, I knew my type and knew it needed to be changed, and tried to change it to something brand new and alien. To Something/one that didnt suit me at all. I tried to force a change, and of course it didnt work.
I dont regret the experience, it taught me a lot about patience and wisdom and "not awakening love before its ready".
He emailed me a couple of weeks ago, because we are still friends and I was glad to hear from him as my friend. I dont regret ending that "romance". It wasnt true. I just hoped it would be.

Fast forward to this year(montage!) Yes I am single, and yes sometimes that sucks. I know that I cant be with my old "type" anymore, that it's gone. My new type is still taking shape and I think that has more to do with me changing and learning about life and love than anything else. I know my new type will find me someday and I wont have to force a thing.

Ive decided my type sucks, and I wont let something new and different scare me, but intrgue me instead. My goal is to wait for love to wake me up to whats going on instead of shaking it violently from sleep so it can serve my needs. I have a lot of active waiting to do, but I really want to do it.

phew. chicago o'hare is quickly loosing its esteem on my list of airports. the last 5 times I have been through there it has conspired to keep me in the lounge as long as possible. granted, one instance was weather related, but jeez, let go airport, just let go.
I had a wonderful time at my dad's for his 50th bday party, and I know he really enjoyed it, my brother and i flew in and surprised him and then we had a surprise dinner for him at a great restaurant with some of his good friends.
My sister continues to grow up and as she matures we grow closer and become better friends. Its hard to do that when there is a 12 year gap in age. I did have to straighten her out though. for the first time this weekend, i had to pull out the big sister stick and let her know she was out of line. I hated doing it, but Im glad I did, because it lets her know I am not just a big cool grownup friend, but I love her enough to be bossy and tell her to knock it off. So she stomped off to her room and didnt talk to me for a couple of hours.....i miss having her around a lot. i miss doing stuff together like sharing clothes and talking about boys and all that 13 year old stuff, and especially being a good strong voice in her life.
Speaking of siblings, my brother continues to disappoint me when it comes to values, especially multicultural values. He makes comments about immigrants that come straight from the redneck flag waving center of the good ole U S of A. The "get them no goods out of here so they cant steal our jobs" kind of thinking. It hurts to realize sometimes that brothers and sisters are very different people than you and will have at times completely opposite views from yourself. I dont think he realizes he does it, either. As a bilingual speaker I have a distinct view from his and I know that he doesnt care to entertain any other thoughts than his own.
I got asked to send my resume to a PR firm out east this weekend, and it was rather jarring. Anytime a seemingly far off goal rushes into the foreground I get a little gun shy. I know that I am not in a position to move in the near future for a variety of reasons, but it is nice to know that it can happen. I am not stuck here. I can breathe easier.