I have a lot of choices to make. But no idea where to start.
Do i use past experience to guide me or do I let memories of past experience gone wrong make me full of doubt for the future?
Things change so quickly or from the beginning can be not what they seem, so what do I trust?
Do i keep to the things I know, even if they havent worked out before or do I press forward into the radically new?
Do I play myself or play against type? Do I typecast myself and not believe I could ever have things differently or do i try to be something I am not?
About a year ago I believed I was in love with someone, and I think he thought the same. We had shared some great experiences together, like studying abroad in the same city, and I think that shared history caused us to build a false positive.
The quiet place in my soul knew it was wrong and couldnt be sustained because it just knows. without proof or confirmation from an outside source.
I let it go on, because I wanted it to be true. I needed it to be true. I wanted to finally have that relationship problem solved.
I learned last fall/winter that you cant sustain something like that, even as hard as you try. At least not me. my quiet place spoke too loudly and guided too firmly to permit that. I couldnt ignore the still small voice that had never been wrong before.
He wasnt my "type". I thought I needed to find a new type because the my "type" leaves me with a broken heart and scared to try again. I know my mistake now, I knew my type and knew it needed to be changed, and tried to change it to something brand new and alien. To Something/one that didnt suit me at all. I tried to force a change, and of course it didnt work.
I dont regret the experience, it taught me a lot about patience and wisdom and "not awakening love before its ready".
He emailed me a couple of weeks ago, because we are still friends and I was glad to hear from him as my friend. I dont regret ending that "romance". It wasnt true. I just hoped it would be.

Fast forward to this year(montage!) Yes I am single, and yes sometimes that sucks. I know that I cant be with my old "type" anymore, that it's gone. My new type is still taking shape and I think that has more to do with me changing and learning about life and love than anything else. I know my new type will find me someday and I wont have to force a thing.

Ive decided my type sucks, and I wont let something new and different scare me, but intrgue me instead. My goal is to wait for love to wake me up to whats going on instead of shaking it violently from sleep so it can serve my needs. I have a lot of active waiting to do, but I really want to do it.