I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin
Then I wouldn't be lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

I just want to feel safe in my own skin just want to be happy again.
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin just want to be happy again.
I just want to feel safe in my own skin just want to be happy again.

I had my iTunes on shuffle this morning and this song came on. Its one of those songs that brings up memories of the past, and is connected to events that were important and changed you. I remember the summer after I graduated high school and I first discovered Dido with my friend Amanda. It was the soundtrack of our summer. I listened to it infrequently after that, and now I think I am rediscovering it. I have to be honest with myself over what has happened in the past month. I talked with my dear friend Jenny today about all the changes I am experiencing and she likened it to when we went to Tanzania and were preparing to step off the bus that took us to the church where we were going to stay. We all knew this was a significant moment, that we were going to experience brand new things and there might be some scary bits, some happy bits, some sad bits, etc. but we were all going to step off that bus. Stepping onto the red dirt of the churchyard was a physical symbol of the internal acknowledgement that things were about to change.

And it was true, I am not the same person. And yes, part of it was hard, part of it was incredible, part of it was sorrowful, etc. but i learned and improved on my character. that trip set the stage for a great work in my heart.

Now I am symbolically stepping off the bus again in my personal life. I have been traveling towards change for the past 1.5 years, just like i prepared to go to africa before I got there. I broke off a relationship that was damaging my spirit and wasnt going anywhere. I gave myself time to distance myself from that past and discover who I was and learn why I cant let myself sacrifice my spiritual or emotional self just to have someone want me for their girl.

It took some time but things did change in my heart and mind, I now have no desire for that kind of relationship. Until I tried a new relationship, though, I had no idea that I still had my old dating habits. Kind of like new wine in an old wineskin.

And boy, how that old wineskin did split. I found myself confused and totally in over my head. I caught myself in these old habits, almost powerless to stop myself, and so disappointed that I couldnt. It was the oddest experience. My head knew what was going on but my body just didnt pay attention. I didnt want to act the way I did and so I kind of froze and Im sure sent a bunch of confusing mixed signals that probably came across as very hot-cold. I couldnt feel a consistent way even though I wanted to. I didnt know how.

So I am going to learn how to become a new wineskin, so that I can have that which I caught a glimpse of, a wonderful way to do a relationship. Not based on physical attraction and fixation, but on a common interest in each other and each other's lives. To be involved and interdependent, and to develop a deeper friendship that cant be matched. and then add a little kissing on top for good measure.