sweet @!#^&*$

so i dicked up this morning. last night i turned off my fone and went to sleep at midnight. i woke up at 10:30. This would be fine yesterday but not today. I had a meeting with a client and majorly overslept. I rarely turn off my phone to charge but did last night because its necessary every once in awhile.

So I called my boss and of course got her voicemail. I explained what happened and then hung up so i can whip myself.


shit.

Untitled

Two days left at the old job, and next week start the brand new one. The way things turned out I have gotten a bit of vacation actually, which has been very fortuitous. Because I had my wisdom teeth removed i had almost the entire last week off, which freed me up to plan for Christmas lunch and visit my grandpa which re-cooping. I also took Tuesday off because my grandpa was still in ICU and I also had a doctor's appt. So I only have tomorrow and Friday left. Its been nice to transition this way, except it makes it hard to go back to work. Just because I havent been working doesnt mean that I havent been active. Usually by this time at winter break from school I am bored and ready to go back.

I saw J off today to London. I hope its as wonderful as his mind has planned it out to be and he scratches that itch of his. I realized last night, however, that we should consider traveling somewhere together instead of taking all sorts of trips without each other and then missing each other. It would save a lot of time on recapping.

Christmas went well, I have never realized before this year how much work it can take (especially for one person) to make a home made meal. I was worn out afterwards, but it was worth it.

no warranties, no gurantees

my grandpa isnt doing so hot. literally have no idea which way he is gonna go right now. my reaction to things like this is a feeling of incredible loneliness. I feel like my whole life all I have ever wanted was for someone to give me a gurantee that they wont leave, change their mind, or not be there when I need them most. I know immediately that such as thing is not possible, but this doesnt make me any more able to cope with my feelings or their effects.

I feel unworthy of love when I am in this mood because I dont have this elusive promise of consistency. How do I feel worthy and more secure with this set of variables? I ask those around me that I care for if they are gonna change their mind and leave, or search out ways to make me better so they will stay. This is so puzzling, because, again, I know what I seek isnt possible, so why havent I surrendered it? Why do I return to this place so often in times of stress and turmoil? I certainly dont want the rest of my life to be haunted by this spectre.

I used to think that once I met someone and married, this would be my little certificate of certainty, that no matter what he will never leave me. Which is a bit odd for a child of divorce, I must admit. The day that I realized this isnt so was a hard one. I think that is part of my current problem, the solution of my childhood isnt holding true in adulthood.

In recent months I have learned, quite painfully at times, that its not acceptable for me to be unworthy, i can be quite worthy, i just have to accept that just like everything else in life, sometimes love can be short in supply and high in demand. And there is no way to stockpile.

I need to keep pushing myself on this, because its not as scary when you examine the dark corners of your mind. Its more scary when you dont know what is in there.

52, almost 53

My grandparents have been married for almost 53 years. That is more than twice the amount of time I have been alive. I think about that and it makes me slow down and take a breath. I am alway in such a rush to get everything accomplished as fast as possible and squeeze the most of the moment. We live in a great paradox, I feel like I have so much time left in life, but I am not guranteed I have all the time in the world. I want to work on not rushing all the time, and "enjoy the moment" as I was told recently. I tend to look ahead for the next complication and anticipate every possibility. This stems from my reflex to control everything and box everything in so its safe. Im more comfortable now than ever before with letting go a bit and enjoying the moment. If I do have 53 years left, there are a lot of moments to enjoy.

Hoping for a New Year

so things are moving along, and quite briskly at that. I finally got my wisdom teeth taken out after years of delay. Im still quite sore and keep forgetting to rinse with salt water after every meal. but i have my little reminder person to keep me in check. Otherwise my mouth would probably be dead by now. Hopefully by Christmas I will be alright.

I went down to cedar rapids today to see my grandpa in the hospital. He seemed really small in the hospital bed and he isnt talking. Its weird to talk to him and get a limited response. I hope that he will steadily improve and go home for the new year.

I feel bad for my friend. he tries hard, because he knows he has responsibilities, but he hates his job. I know he feels trapped and and it doesnt help that i am leaving. i know if he got a new job and i was still there it would be a million times more boring and difficult. I can only hope and pray that he will continue with patience and trust that things will be better someday, in every regard. i hate that work makes so many people so miserable.

my pants are on fire no longer

- i have decided to stop lying. I have noticed for awhile that I will lie about something if the truth is embarassing or will get me in trouble. I dont think this sets me a part from anyone else, but I do think that if I make a habit of telling the truth always, that will affect my behavior and my character. Lying allows one to be lazy in thoughts and deeds, because lying is your escape hatch in case things dont go smoothly. This will be hard, but over time I hope that I will be able to honestly (HA!) say that I dont lie.

-i went to see the oral surgeon today and was able to schedule my wisdom teeth surgery for next tuesday. this is good so i wont have any more pain or headaches. I am a bit nervous, just because its the unknown and im sure there will be some pain involved post op. I am excited about anesthesia though, because i love it. I love the warm little cocoon it puts me in and look forward to that bit. I always get nervous though, right before i go under, because you never know 100% you are gonna come back out of it.

a complex christmas

i have been thinking lately about my lifestyle. Some events, like the homeless one, have shed light on my true nature and disposition. I am quite selfish and lazy and dishonest and stubborn.
So i am thinking that i need to change that. But I always make it so complicated to worship god and practice my faith. Then I never end up doing anything. I think part of this comes from our culture so full of do-it-yourself expertise and magazines and books full of advice and fantasies to make everything perfect. I am in my faith the same way I am in my artistic life. I think everything has to be perfect the first time round otherwise its not worth the trouble.

But my friend Karen called last night and asked if we could meet today and pray. One simple phone call, one simple breakfast, on simple act of worship with a friend.

I have re-read Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawerence and it talks about simply living out the presence of god everyday. A continual inner conversation that may start off slowly and intermittently, but over time becomes a natural extension of consciousness, a continual practice.

so i will start with christmas and start living the lifestyle i know is right.

I might have to admit that I am exhausted. I might have to admit that I have committed myself to too many projects. I need to learn to say no. I want to do everything and be everything so its hard to shut doors but they shut themselves anyway when I am stretched to thin to be any good to anyone. The sad part is I think i should be doing more frequently. It would probably help if I didnt have two jobs. If I dont get that question settled by the new year I might have to set a deadline and pick one. I cannot continue in this limbo.

I have only bought one christmas gift this year, and am totally unmotivated to do anything else. I am excited to host my family for the holidays, but it doesnt feel like christmas yet, and its a bit weird.

I saw j today and had lunch, its relaxing just to be around him. A wrote in my book, i get to read it tonight. it better be good. or else.

Baby its cold outside.
i find it interesting when one thinks you know someone and then you find out some interesting thing about them and you begin to wonder what else you dont know. I was searching around blogspot and found the blog of a friend that i never knew had a blog. As I read thru it I realized there are so many things I dont know about her. I didnt think we had that much in common before but now I want to go hang out with her and ask her all sorts of questions about herself. This weekend was soooooo c-c-c-c-old! The wind always whips right thru me, i feel like it is the White Witch of Narnia and freezes me instantly, and I wont thaw until spring. I resigned as the household rent/utility bill payor and posted a note on the fridge at my house that as of 01-01-07 I wont be writing that check so someone else had better pick up the ball. I dont want the stress anymore of hunting roomies down for money so my check doesnt bounce. Only 22 days until Xmas and only 7 days until my girlfriend m's birthday. She turns 24 so I need to get her gift together and get it in the mail.