no warranties, no gurantees

my grandpa isnt doing so hot. literally have no idea which way he is gonna go right now. my reaction to things like this is a feeling of incredible loneliness. I feel like my whole life all I have ever wanted was for someone to give me a gurantee that they wont leave, change their mind, or not be there when I need them most. I know immediately that such as thing is not possible, but this doesnt make me any more able to cope with my feelings or their effects.

I feel unworthy of love when I am in this mood because I dont have this elusive promise of consistency. How do I feel worthy and more secure with this set of variables? I ask those around me that I care for if they are gonna change their mind and leave, or search out ways to make me better so they will stay. This is so puzzling, because, again, I know what I seek isnt possible, so why havent I surrendered it? Why do I return to this place so often in times of stress and turmoil? I certainly dont want the rest of my life to be haunted by this spectre.

I used to think that once I met someone and married, this would be my little certificate of certainty, that no matter what he will never leave me. Which is a bit odd for a child of divorce, I must admit. The day that I realized this isnt so was a hard one. I think that is part of my current problem, the solution of my childhood isnt holding true in adulthood.

In recent months I have learned, quite painfully at times, that its not acceptable for me to be unworthy, i can be quite worthy, i just have to accept that just like everything else in life, sometimes love can be short in supply and high in demand. And there is no way to stockpile.

I need to keep pushing myself on this, because its not as scary when you examine the dark corners of your mind. Its more scary when you dont know what is in there.