sweet @!#^&*$

so i dicked up this morning. last night i turned off my fone and went to sleep at midnight. i woke up at 10:30. This would be fine yesterday but not today. I had a meeting with a client and majorly overslept. I rarely turn off my phone to charge but did last night because its necessary every once in awhile.

So I called my boss and of course got her voicemail. I explained what happened and then hung up so i can whip myself.


shit.

Untitled

Two days left at the old job, and next week start the brand new one. The way things turned out I have gotten a bit of vacation actually, which has been very fortuitous. Because I had my wisdom teeth removed i had almost the entire last week off, which freed me up to plan for Christmas lunch and visit my grandpa which re-cooping. I also took Tuesday off because my grandpa was still in ICU and I also had a doctor's appt. So I only have tomorrow and Friday left. Its been nice to transition this way, except it makes it hard to go back to work. Just because I havent been working doesnt mean that I havent been active. Usually by this time at winter break from school I am bored and ready to go back.

I saw J off today to London. I hope its as wonderful as his mind has planned it out to be and he scratches that itch of his. I realized last night, however, that we should consider traveling somewhere together instead of taking all sorts of trips without each other and then missing each other. It would save a lot of time on recapping.

Christmas went well, I have never realized before this year how much work it can take (especially for one person) to make a home made meal. I was worn out afterwards, but it was worth it.

no warranties, no gurantees

my grandpa isnt doing so hot. literally have no idea which way he is gonna go right now. my reaction to things like this is a feeling of incredible loneliness. I feel like my whole life all I have ever wanted was for someone to give me a gurantee that they wont leave, change their mind, or not be there when I need them most. I know immediately that such as thing is not possible, but this doesnt make me any more able to cope with my feelings or their effects.

I feel unworthy of love when I am in this mood because I dont have this elusive promise of consistency. How do I feel worthy and more secure with this set of variables? I ask those around me that I care for if they are gonna change their mind and leave, or search out ways to make me better so they will stay. This is so puzzling, because, again, I know what I seek isnt possible, so why havent I surrendered it? Why do I return to this place so often in times of stress and turmoil? I certainly dont want the rest of my life to be haunted by this spectre.

I used to think that once I met someone and married, this would be my little certificate of certainty, that no matter what he will never leave me. Which is a bit odd for a child of divorce, I must admit. The day that I realized this isnt so was a hard one. I think that is part of my current problem, the solution of my childhood isnt holding true in adulthood.

In recent months I have learned, quite painfully at times, that its not acceptable for me to be unworthy, i can be quite worthy, i just have to accept that just like everything else in life, sometimes love can be short in supply and high in demand. And there is no way to stockpile.

I need to keep pushing myself on this, because its not as scary when you examine the dark corners of your mind. Its more scary when you dont know what is in there.

52, almost 53

My grandparents have been married for almost 53 years. That is more than twice the amount of time I have been alive. I think about that and it makes me slow down and take a breath. I am alway in such a rush to get everything accomplished as fast as possible and squeeze the most of the moment. We live in a great paradox, I feel like I have so much time left in life, but I am not guranteed I have all the time in the world. I want to work on not rushing all the time, and "enjoy the moment" as I was told recently. I tend to look ahead for the next complication and anticipate every possibility. This stems from my reflex to control everything and box everything in so its safe. Im more comfortable now than ever before with letting go a bit and enjoying the moment. If I do have 53 years left, there are a lot of moments to enjoy.

Hoping for a New Year

so things are moving along, and quite briskly at that. I finally got my wisdom teeth taken out after years of delay. Im still quite sore and keep forgetting to rinse with salt water after every meal. but i have my little reminder person to keep me in check. Otherwise my mouth would probably be dead by now. Hopefully by Christmas I will be alright.

I went down to cedar rapids today to see my grandpa in the hospital. He seemed really small in the hospital bed and he isnt talking. Its weird to talk to him and get a limited response. I hope that he will steadily improve and go home for the new year.

I feel bad for my friend. he tries hard, because he knows he has responsibilities, but he hates his job. I know he feels trapped and and it doesnt help that i am leaving. i know if he got a new job and i was still there it would be a million times more boring and difficult. I can only hope and pray that he will continue with patience and trust that things will be better someday, in every regard. i hate that work makes so many people so miserable.

my pants are on fire no longer

- i have decided to stop lying. I have noticed for awhile that I will lie about something if the truth is embarassing or will get me in trouble. I dont think this sets me a part from anyone else, but I do think that if I make a habit of telling the truth always, that will affect my behavior and my character. Lying allows one to be lazy in thoughts and deeds, because lying is your escape hatch in case things dont go smoothly. This will be hard, but over time I hope that I will be able to honestly (HA!) say that I dont lie.

-i went to see the oral surgeon today and was able to schedule my wisdom teeth surgery for next tuesday. this is good so i wont have any more pain or headaches. I am a bit nervous, just because its the unknown and im sure there will be some pain involved post op. I am excited about anesthesia though, because i love it. I love the warm little cocoon it puts me in and look forward to that bit. I always get nervous though, right before i go under, because you never know 100% you are gonna come back out of it.

a complex christmas

i have been thinking lately about my lifestyle. Some events, like the homeless one, have shed light on my true nature and disposition. I am quite selfish and lazy and dishonest and stubborn.
So i am thinking that i need to change that. But I always make it so complicated to worship god and practice my faith. Then I never end up doing anything. I think part of this comes from our culture so full of do-it-yourself expertise and magazines and books full of advice and fantasies to make everything perfect. I am in my faith the same way I am in my artistic life. I think everything has to be perfect the first time round otherwise its not worth the trouble.

But my friend Karen called last night and asked if we could meet today and pray. One simple phone call, one simple breakfast, on simple act of worship with a friend.

I have re-read Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawerence and it talks about simply living out the presence of god everyday. A continual inner conversation that may start off slowly and intermittently, but over time becomes a natural extension of consciousness, a continual practice.

so i will start with christmas and start living the lifestyle i know is right.

I might have to admit that I am exhausted. I might have to admit that I have committed myself to too many projects. I need to learn to say no. I want to do everything and be everything so its hard to shut doors but they shut themselves anyway when I am stretched to thin to be any good to anyone. The sad part is I think i should be doing more frequently. It would probably help if I didnt have two jobs. If I dont get that question settled by the new year I might have to set a deadline and pick one. I cannot continue in this limbo.

I have only bought one christmas gift this year, and am totally unmotivated to do anything else. I am excited to host my family for the holidays, but it doesnt feel like christmas yet, and its a bit weird.

I saw j today and had lunch, its relaxing just to be around him. A wrote in my book, i get to read it tonight. it better be good. or else.

Baby its cold outside.
i find it interesting when one thinks you know someone and then you find out some interesting thing about them and you begin to wonder what else you dont know. I was searching around blogspot and found the blog of a friend that i never knew had a blog. As I read thru it I realized there are so many things I dont know about her. I didnt think we had that much in common before but now I want to go hang out with her and ask her all sorts of questions about herself. This weekend was soooooo c-c-c-c-old! The wind always whips right thru me, i feel like it is the White Witch of Narnia and freezes me instantly, and I wont thaw until spring. I resigned as the household rent/utility bill payor and posted a note on the fridge at my house that as of 01-01-07 I wont be writing that check so someone else had better pick up the ball. I dont want the stress anymore of hunting roomies down for money so my check doesnt bounce. Only 22 days until Xmas and only 7 days until my girlfriend m's birthday. She turns 24 so I need to get her gift together and get it in the mail.

*sigh*

death cab writes to me again

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

one day many thoughts

-i met a kitten in a boutique today. his name is george and he loves playing. i love visiting places that life happens and arent a manufactured experience. I deplore manufactured experiences. I like George.

-I bought a new moleskine today and Im promising myself to not be afraid of exploration. I must conquer this feeling of inadequacy and just try.

-Today is a gorgeous day, 65* on November 26 doesnt happen that often. I am glad I get to walk around downtown Iowa City and experience it.

-I met up with a lot of bums today. I told the truth when I said I didnt have any change on me to spare. The only one that bothered me was the woman and child who asked me to buy them food. I told her I couldnt help her. This was self preservation-I am a small woman and by myself. I dont like to get involved with strangers when I am by myself. I also wanted her to justify her need to me. Who is the child with her, is he a prop? Does buying her a meal now really help? - I need to ponder these issues. Who am I to quantify and qualify her need? What is my responsibility in this situation? Is my personal safety and comfort worth more than her empty stomach? Do i make up rules to limit my giving to places and times I can control? My hands are way too clean I think, I need to make room for more dirt in my life.

-I bought a coffee and croissant for 4.17

-I bought a card and flowers for amber today as a belated birthday present because we never see each other.

-Its coming down to do or die time with my career and employment. I really want PR to work out. It sunk in for me that this is all up to me. I either have it or I don't. I should stock up on cojones while they are on sale.

My old haunt

kivatrue.livejournal.com

that is my old blog that i logged into finally last night. I havent written since march of this year, but it does go back to 2001, and documents a lot of stuff. Some of it is weird to read, hindsight is 20/20. I can see who I was as a 20-24 year old and some of it is embarassing. oh well. it happens


in other news, me and todd at community honda have another date tomorrow morning because my accord monster decided to tremble and shake and smoke and hiss at me again today. Hopefully it will do it for them tomorrow and I can stop feeling so crazy.

i am the happiest person in the whole world

why am I am the happiest person in the whole world? Because I have spent a lot of money on my car recently and today was the day it was handed back to me "good as new". The check engine light was off....yes.....in fact all the warning lights were off....great.

And then I drove on the highway. The vibrations were there-which the shop explained to me as something not to worry about, some rod or something is rubbing on something else and the vibration transfers up the steering column, its too expensive to replace and isnt causing any damage so i can just deal with it. So i was ok with that.

What I am not ok with is the rough shifting on the highway. My car has no get up and go anymore, and I am completely and utterly frustrated-- i mean super happy and content.

i think I am gonna need a dance party this weekend to burn off this happiness.

the empress' new relationship


until recently I had never been involved in a relationship that many would consider healthy or productive. My longest serious relationship consisted of three years of seeing him every 2-3 weeks and maybe calling each other randomly in between visits. Once we went a whole month without talking. That sounds odd to me now, but at the time it suited me just fine. It was the perfect relationship because I got to control both sides of it --we were never around each other enough to have anything get too real or too difficult. I had an idealized relationship that played out in my head without realizing it. When I ended things I noticed how exhausting it had been to juggle both parts.

Now I am in a relationship that is as normal as apple pie compared to previous experience. I am gradually growing used to this new landscape but still finding my place in it.

The novelty of seeing someone almost everyday or at least talking on the phone is winding down, I am no longer surprised he cares about my daily business and calls/messages me just to say hi. I am learning its ok for me to take interest in his daily business too, and to really share my life. These happenings used to surprise and delight me every time, they still do but I am growing more comfortable which is even better.

Im also a bit worn out by all this activity. The total interaction of my past relationship would fill about 3 days (a small exaggeration) of the new. so here is one more thing that is new to me and I had no idea would happen. But I think of no better thing to be worn out by.

The funny thing is that I didnt get it in the past when someone didnt understand how I could call what I did a relationship when there was so little relating happening, and now that I have the real thing I cant imagine ever settling for so little again.

6157 is on its way.......


So I went to the hot chocolate machine to get some hot chocolate. This is by far the most detailed hot beverage machine i have ever met. It was almost like a car wash. First you insert your money, they you have to choose the "strength" of your beverage by pushing one of three buttons, then you can add "whitener" in case your coffee is too black for you (racist!!)-- side note, the spanish below "whitener" is leche, which is spanish for milk. not sure why the machine didnt say milk in english. I also wonder why the machine didnt say whitener in spanish, is the hot beverage machine misrepresenting this choice to the spanish speaking population? Does one receive "whitener" or milk?

Anyway, the other interesting thing that happened was the little computer window let me know that "drink 6157 is on its way! ............". this was very reassuring and comforting. I was only hoping that drink 6157 was indeed the hot chocolate I requested with no whitener/leche and the correct strength. And it was!

I got a lot for my 60 cents today.

Penny for your thoughts

For the past six months I have let a lot of things slide. This doesnt disturb me very much because I know that if I want to I can take it back up. I did it once therefore,I can do it again(right?). So I have decided to take some things captive.

Thoughts
I have way to many negative thoughts floating around about other people, other ideas, and myself. If I am to be filled with grace, mercy and love I cannot be filled with meaness, selfishness, and pride. I can be judgemental over petty things that I know dont really matter. I am bothered that I have these prejudices in my makeup and want to search them out and stamp them out. As jars of clay once said " ...rid myself of all but love, give and die".

Food
A few years ago i had a really bad diet-classic college student stuff. Then I went to europe and learned a lot about simple, yet delicious cooking from my host sister. I learned to like a lot of fruits and veggies, etc. For awhile I rarely ate fast food or ordered pizza. I still havent ordered a pizza for myself in about 2 years but this summer I fell off my fast food bandwagon pretty hard. I want to get back to where I was because I dont feel healthy these days. So I am cutting out fast food again. I think I might try fasting one day a week as well, to meditate on my weakness in this area.

Prayer/Study
I have prayed in the last six months and my experiences with prayer have been new territory in the recent past. I want to build on that and strengthen my discipline and focus in my spiritual life. I want to be more knowledgeable of my faith and pursue answers to questions that pepper my mind. I also have a lot of reading that I want to do in philosophy and religious thought.

code (RED)

in Bono's (RED) product campaign he uses positive words like empowe(RED) desi(RED) and inspi(RED) to promote the cause. This all well and good and I enjoy this campaign and its aims. But when I think of Africa and AIDS I want to add to that list RED words that reflect the current desperation in that continent. I feel like people are caught up in the warm fuzzies of fixing the daily atrocities and we wont make any real progress until we expose and explore the painful past that brought us the present crisis.
It is a shameful and ugly past, full of evil. I don't think that modern people understand what has happened to Africa so they think that the first world must once again come to the rescue of those poor stupid people who cant help themselves. We neglect our part in their history, the part that stripped the continent of natural and human resources, and deliberately carved up the land for our uses and convenience, regardless of the damage and chaos caused by this seemingly arbitrary division. We pitted tribe against tribe and established governments that deliberately encouraged infighting- this justified our "divine calling" to "tame the savages". How could we be good Christians and leave these poor stupid people to kill each other? Its also convenient that they were so busy fighting and mistrusting each other they couldnt organize as one and throw the colonial invaders off their land and out of their lives.

This continued for roughly 500 years. Until the 1950-70s many african countries were not sovreign states, and when they were handed the reins a stable economy and government were not part of the deal. Many former colonial powers keep their hand in the mix thru business and economic concerns in former colonies, subtly interfering.

I know that Africa was not a paradise before westerners set foot on it, and that there are good things that came out of colonialism(not many but they are important). What I am saying is we are very good at making ourselves feel like the calvary coming to the rescue and ignoring our fingerprints on the root of the crisis.



Here is my list of (RED) words:

sca(RED)
fette(RED)
plunde(RED)
massac(RED)
scar(RED)
surrende(RED)
encumbe(RED)
dismembe(RED)
scatte(RED)
tatte(RED)
igno(RED)
.....

I wish I could blog mentally and automatically...

I think that i wrote three blogs in my head this weekend with all of the interesting happenings and conversations that occurred. of course all the revelations and clever turns of phrase that were scribed in my head are now gone, and i cant remember them to save my life. So here is the poor man's version of my weekend.

Friday night was pleasant, but mostly fuzzy. I do however, have a strong desire to wait until the thanksgiving day sales at the furniture stores and invest in a bigger bed. But the other issue at hand is how on earth would that fit in my room!?!? I need to either move upstairs in the spring or get my own place. stat.

I was perfectly worthless Saturday morning. I should have done many important things, but instead 11-2 passed at a startling rate of speed. More to do this week then.

One of my friends had a bunch of his artist/musician buddies come to waterloo for the weekend and it was awesome. I miss being in an artistic community, full of debate and thought. I miss the common sense of exploration and creative curiosity. I definitely walked away with some new thoughts and encouragement.

It was weird to explain what I do artistically and my current projects from people i think of as serious artists(more serious than i) and have them respond positively and authentically. I often feel like i am not good enough to be catergorized as an artist because I have never had a show or produced anything of much merit. I think I might finally be reaching a point, though, in my development where I can produce something that is executed soundly and has a solid approach.
The main problem is I think through my whole idea and perfect it in my mind before I apply any outward energy to it. When I finally do it doesnt match my perfect image in my head and I decide im not a very good artist. I need to practice even pacing with hands and mind so that I can practice my skills and perfect the physical craft of creation so it can keep up with my mind.

A Poem of No Particularity


It has been awhile since I have written any verse at all, this probably doesnt qualify as a real poem but is more of a musings in my head.

dont mess this up
or press your luck
cant give in to fear

treading slowly
testing the water one, two toes at a time
but cant give yourself away

shed the old skin
and drink the new wine,
pretend like its the hundreth time

that this is old hat
and not greek to you
of course, i know where i am, sure i am fine

pray harder than ever tonight that tomorrow will end like today
because it has to that's why

its not desperation in your heart
but the fragile hope of hope
packaged in heavy-handed anxiety

hold your breath because if it breaks
you buy it, and you cant afford another

you might be discovered,
and hope is contraband
tread wisely and transparent

invisible to those that would destroy
your chance at love and happiness
hold tightly to this hope
this fragile little hope, because each day you grow stronger

the past fades and memories grow dim
your footsteps are surer and your path a straight highway

you will get there
learn the patience you neglected before
become the person you covered up so long ago
and take heart