sweet @!#^&*$

so i dicked up this morning. last night i turned off my fone and went to sleep at midnight. i woke up at 10:30. This would be fine yesterday but not today. I had a meeting with a client and majorly overslept. I rarely turn off my phone to charge but did last night because its necessary every once in awhile.

So I called my boss and of course got her voicemail. I explained what happened and then hung up so i can whip myself.


shit.

Untitled

Two days left at the old job, and next week start the brand new one. The way things turned out I have gotten a bit of vacation actually, which has been very fortuitous. Because I had my wisdom teeth removed i had almost the entire last week off, which freed me up to plan for Christmas lunch and visit my grandpa which re-cooping. I also took Tuesday off because my grandpa was still in ICU and I also had a doctor's appt. So I only have tomorrow and Friday left. Its been nice to transition this way, except it makes it hard to go back to work. Just because I havent been working doesnt mean that I havent been active. Usually by this time at winter break from school I am bored and ready to go back.

I saw J off today to London. I hope its as wonderful as his mind has planned it out to be and he scratches that itch of his. I realized last night, however, that we should consider traveling somewhere together instead of taking all sorts of trips without each other and then missing each other. It would save a lot of time on recapping.

Christmas went well, I have never realized before this year how much work it can take (especially for one person) to make a home made meal. I was worn out afterwards, but it was worth it.

no warranties, no gurantees

my grandpa isnt doing so hot. literally have no idea which way he is gonna go right now. my reaction to things like this is a feeling of incredible loneliness. I feel like my whole life all I have ever wanted was for someone to give me a gurantee that they wont leave, change their mind, or not be there when I need them most. I know immediately that such as thing is not possible, but this doesnt make me any more able to cope with my feelings or their effects.

I feel unworthy of love when I am in this mood because I dont have this elusive promise of consistency. How do I feel worthy and more secure with this set of variables? I ask those around me that I care for if they are gonna change their mind and leave, or search out ways to make me better so they will stay. This is so puzzling, because, again, I know what I seek isnt possible, so why havent I surrendered it? Why do I return to this place so often in times of stress and turmoil? I certainly dont want the rest of my life to be haunted by this spectre.

I used to think that once I met someone and married, this would be my little certificate of certainty, that no matter what he will never leave me. Which is a bit odd for a child of divorce, I must admit. The day that I realized this isnt so was a hard one. I think that is part of my current problem, the solution of my childhood isnt holding true in adulthood.

In recent months I have learned, quite painfully at times, that its not acceptable for me to be unworthy, i can be quite worthy, i just have to accept that just like everything else in life, sometimes love can be short in supply and high in demand. And there is no way to stockpile.

I need to keep pushing myself on this, because its not as scary when you examine the dark corners of your mind. Its more scary when you dont know what is in there.

52, almost 53

My grandparents have been married for almost 53 years. That is more than twice the amount of time I have been alive. I think about that and it makes me slow down and take a breath. I am alway in such a rush to get everything accomplished as fast as possible and squeeze the most of the moment. We live in a great paradox, I feel like I have so much time left in life, but I am not guranteed I have all the time in the world. I want to work on not rushing all the time, and "enjoy the moment" as I was told recently. I tend to look ahead for the next complication and anticipate every possibility. This stems from my reflex to control everything and box everything in so its safe. Im more comfortable now than ever before with letting go a bit and enjoying the moment. If I do have 53 years left, there are a lot of moments to enjoy.

Hoping for a New Year

so things are moving along, and quite briskly at that. I finally got my wisdom teeth taken out after years of delay. Im still quite sore and keep forgetting to rinse with salt water after every meal. but i have my little reminder person to keep me in check. Otherwise my mouth would probably be dead by now. Hopefully by Christmas I will be alright.

I went down to cedar rapids today to see my grandpa in the hospital. He seemed really small in the hospital bed and he isnt talking. Its weird to talk to him and get a limited response. I hope that he will steadily improve and go home for the new year.

I feel bad for my friend. he tries hard, because he knows he has responsibilities, but he hates his job. I know he feels trapped and and it doesnt help that i am leaving. i know if he got a new job and i was still there it would be a million times more boring and difficult. I can only hope and pray that he will continue with patience and trust that things will be better someday, in every regard. i hate that work makes so many people so miserable.

my pants are on fire no longer

- i have decided to stop lying. I have noticed for awhile that I will lie about something if the truth is embarassing or will get me in trouble. I dont think this sets me a part from anyone else, but I do think that if I make a habit of telling the truth always, that will affect my behavior and my character. Lying allows one to be lazy in thoughts and deeds, because lying is your escape hatch in case things dont go smoothly. This will be hard, but over time I hope that I will be able to honestly (HA!) say that I dont lie.

-i went to see the oral surgeon today and was able to schedule my wisdom teeth surgery for next tuesday. this is good so i wont have any more pain or headaches. I am a bit nervous, just because its the unknown and im sure there will be some pain involved post op. I am excited about anesthesia though, because i love it. I love the warm little cocoon it puts me in and look forward to that bit. I always get nervous though, right before i go under, because you never know 100% you are gonna come back out of it.

a complex christmas

i have been thinking lately about my lifestyle. Some events, like the homeless one, have shed light on my true nature and disposition. I am quite selfish and lazy and dishonest and stubborn.
So i am thinking that i need to change that. But I always make it so complicated to worship god and practice my faith. Then I never end up doing anything. I think part of this comes from our culture so full of do-it-yourself expertise and magazines and books full of advice and fantasies to make everything perfect. I am in my faith the same way I am in my artistic life. I think everything has to be perfect the first time round otherwise its not worth the trouble.

But my friend Karen called last night and asked if we could meet today and pray. One simple phone call, one simple breakfast, on simple act of worship with a friend.

I have re-read Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawerence and it talks about simply living out the presence of god everyday. A continual inner conversation that may start off slowly and intermittently, but over time becomes a natural extension of consciousness, a continual practice.

so i will start with christmas and start living the lifestyle i know is right.

I might have to admit that I am exhausted. I might have to admit that I have committed myself to too many projects. I need to learn to say no. I want to do everything and be everything so its hard to shut doors but they shut themselves anyway when I am stretched to thin to be any good to anyone. The sad part is I think i should be doing more frequently. It would probably help if I didnt have two jobs. If I dont get that question settled by the new year I might have to set a deadline and pick one. I cannot continue in this limbo.

I have only bought one christmas gift this year, and am totally unmotivated to do anything else. I am excited to host my family for the holidays, but it doesnt feel like christmas yet, and its a bit weird.

I saw j today and had lunch, its relaxing just to be around him. A wrote in my book, i get to read it tonight. it better be good. or else.

Baby its cold outside.
i find it interesting when one thinks you know someone and then you find out some interesting thing about them and you begin to wonder what else you dont know. I was searching around blogspot and found the blog of a friend that i never knew had a blog. As I read thru it I realized there are so many things I dont know about her. I didnt think we had that much in common before but now I want to go hang out with her and ask her all sorts of questions about herself. This weekend was soooooo c-c-c-c-old! The wind always whips right thru me, i feel like it is the White Witch of Narnia and freezes me instantly, and I wont thaw until spring. I resigned as the household rent/utility bill payor and posted a note on the fridge at my house that as of 01-01-07 I wont be writing that check so someone else had better pick up the ball. I dont want the stress anymore of hunting roomies down for money so my check doesnt bounce. Only 22 days until Xmas and only 7 days until my girlfriend m's birthday. She turns 24 so I need to get her gift together and get it in the mail.

*sigh*

death cab writes to me again

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

one day many thoughts

-i met a kitten in a boutique today. his name is george and he loves playing. i love visiting places that life happens and arent a manufactured experience. I deplore manufactured experiences. I like George.

-I bought a new moleskine today and Im promising myself to not be afraid of exploration. I must conquer this feeling of inadequacy and just try.

-Today is a gorgeous day, 65* on November 26 doesnt happen that often. I am glad I get to walk around downtown Iowa City and experience it.

-I met up with a lot of bums today. I told the truth when I said I didnt have any change on me to spare. The only one that bothered me was the woman and child who asked me to buy them food. I told her I couldnt help her. This was self preservation-I am a small woman and by myself. I dont like to get involved with strangers when I am by myself. I also wanted her to justify her need to me. Who is the child with her, is he a prop? Does buying her a meal now really help? - I need to ponder these issues. Who am I to quantify and qualify her need? What is my responsibility in this situation? Is my personal safety and comfort worth more than her empty stomach? Do i make up rules to limit my giving to places and times I can control? My hands are way too clean I think, I need to make room for more dirt in my life.

-I bought a coffee and croissant for 4.17

-I bought a card and flowers for amber today as a belated birthday present because we never see each other.

-Its coming down to do or die time with my career and employment. I really want PR to work out. It sunk in for me that this is all up to me. I either have it or I don't. I should stock up on cojones while they are on sale.

My old haunt

kivatrue.livejournal.com

that is my old blog that i logged into finally last night. I havent written since march of this year, but it does go back to 2001, and documents a lot of stuff. Some of it is weird to read, hindsight is 20/20. I can see who I was as a 20-24 year old and some of it is embarassing. oh well. it happens


in other news, me and todd at community honda have another date tomorrow morning because my accord monster decided to tremble and shake and smoke and hiss at me again today. Hopefully it will do it for them tomorrow and I can stop feeling so crazy.

i am the happiest person in the whole world

why am I am the happiest person in the whole world? Because I have spent a lot of money on my car recently and today was the day it was handed back to me "good as new". The check engine light was off....yes.....in fact all the warning lights were off....great.

And then I drove on the highway. The vibrations were there-which the shop explained to me as something not to worry about, some rod or something is rubbing on something else and the vibration transfers up the steering column, its too expensive to replace and isnt causing any damage so i can just deal with it. So i was ok with that.

What I am not ok with is the rough shifting on the highway. My car has no get up and go anymore, and I am completely and utterly frustrated-- i mean super happy and content.

i think I am gonna need a dance party this weekend to burn off this happiness.

the empress' new relationship


until recently I had never been involved in a relationship that many would consider healthy or productive. My longest serious relationship consisted of three years of seeing him every 2-3 weeks and maybe calling each other randomly in between visits. Once we went a whole month without talking. That sounds odd to me now, but at the time it suited me just fine. It was the perfect relationship because I got to control both sides of it --we were never around each other enough to have anything get too real or too difficult. I had an idealized relationship that played out in my head without realizing it. When I ended things I noticed how exhausting it had been to juggle both parts.

Now I am in a relationship that is as normal as apple pie compared to previous experience. I am gradually growing used to this new landscape but still finding my place in it.

The novelty of seeing someone almost everyday or at least talking on the phone is winding down, I am no longer surprised he cares about my daily business and calls/messages me just to say hi. I am learning its ok for me to take interest in his daily business too, and to really share my life. These happenings used to surprise and delight me every time, they still do but I am growing more comfortable which is even better.

Im also a bit worn out by all this activity. The total interaction of my past relationship would fill about 3 days (a small exaggeration) of the new. so here is one more thing that is new to me and I had no idea would happen. But I think of no better thing to be worn out by.

The funny thing is that I didnt get it in the past when someone didnt understand how I could call what I did a relationship when there was so little relating happening, and now that I have the real thing I cant imagine ever settling for so little again.

6157 is on its way.......


So I went to the hot chocolate machine to get some hot chocolate. This is by far the most detailed hot beverage machine i have ever met. It was almost like a car wash. First you insert your money, they you have to choose the "strength" of your beverage by pushing one of three buttons, then you can add "whitener" in case your coffee is too black for you (racist!!)-- side note, the spanish below "whitener" is leche, which is spanish for milk. not sure why the machine didnt say milk in english. I also wonder why the machine didnt say whitener in spanish, is the hot beverage machine misrepresenting this choice to the spanish speaking population? Does one receive "whitener" or milk?

Anyway, the other interesting thing that happened was the little computer window let me know that "drink 6157 is on its way! ............". this was very reassuring and comforting. I was only hoping that drink 6157 was indeed the hot chocolate I requested with no whitener/leche and the correct strength. And it was!

I got a lot for my 60 cents today.

Penny for your thoughts

For the past six months I have let a lot of things slide. This doesnt disturb me very much because I know that if I want to I can take it back up. I did it once therefore,I can do it again(right?). So I have decided to take some things captive.

Thoughts
I have way to many negative thoughts floating around about other people, other ideas, and myself. If I am to be filled with grace, mercy and love I cannot be filled with meaness, selfishness, and pride. I can be judgemental over petty things that I know dont really matter. I am bothered that I have these prejudices in my makeup and want to search them out and stamp them out. As jars of clay once said " ...rid myself of all but love, give and die".

Food
A few years ago i had a really bad diet-classic college student stuff. Then I went to europe and learned a lot about simple, yet delicious cooking from my host sister. I learned to like a lot of fruits and veggies, etc. For awhile I rarely ate fast food or ordered pizza. I still havent ordered a pizza for myself in about 2 years but this summer I fell off my fast food bandwagon pretty hard. I want to get back to where I was because I dont feel healthy these days. So I am cutting out fast food again. I think I might try fasting one day a week as well, to meditate on my weakness in this area.

Prayer/Study
I have prayed in the last six months and my experiences with prayer have been new territory in the recent past. I want to build on that and strengthen my discipline and focus in my spiritual life. I want to be more knowledgeable of my faith and pursue answers to questions that pepper my mind. I also have a lot of reading that I want to do in philosophy and religious thought.

code (RED)

in Bono's (RED) product campaign he uses positive words like empowe(RED) desi(RED) and inspi(RED) to promote the cause. This all well and good and I enjoy this campaign and its aims. But when I think of Africa and AIDS I want to add to that list RED words that reflect the current desperation in that continent. I feel like people are caught up in the warm fuzzies of fixing the daily atrocities and we wont make any real progress until we expose and explore the painful past that brought us the present crisis.
It is a shameful and ugly past, full of evil. I don't think that modern people understand what has happened to Africa so they think that the first world must once again come to the rescue of those poor stupid people who cant help themselves. We neglect our part in their history, the part that stripped the continent of natural and human resources, and deliberately carved up the land for our uses and convenience, regardless of the damage and chaos caused by this seemingly arbitrary division. We pitted tribe against tribe and established governments that deliberately encouraged infighting- this justified our "divine calling" to "tame the savages". How could we be good Christians and leave these poor stupid people to kill each other? Its also convenient that they were so busy fighting and mistrusting each other they couldnt organize as one and throw the colonial invaders off their land and out of their lives.

This continued for roughly 500 years. Until the 1950-70s many african countries were not sovreign states, and when they were handed the reins a stable economy and government were not part of the deal. Many former colonial powers keep their hand in the mix thru business and economic concerns in former colonies, subtly interfering.

I know that Africa was not a paradise before westerners set foot on it, and that there are good things that came out of colonialism(not many but they are important). What I am saying is we are very good at making ourselves feel like the calvary coming to the rescue and ignoring our fingerprints on the root of the crisis.



Here is my list of (RED) words:

sca(RED)
fette(RED)
plunde(RED)
massac(RED)
scar(RED)
surrende(RED)
encumbe(RED)
dismembe(RED)
scatte(RED)
tatte(RED)
igno(RED)
.....

I wish I could blog mentally and automatically...

I think that i wrote three blogs in my head this weekend with all of the interesting happenings and conversations that occurred. of course all the revelations and clever turns of phrase that were scribed in my head are now gone, and i cant remember them to save my life. So here is the poor man's version of my weekend.

Friday night was pleasant, but mostly fuzzy. I do however, have a strong desire to wait until the thanksgiving day sales at the furniture stores and invest in a bigger bed. But the other issue at hand is how on earth would that fit in my room!?!? I need to either move upstairs in the spring or get my own place. stat.

I was perfectly worthless Saturday morning. I should have done many important things, but instead 11-2 passed at a startling rate of speed. More to do this week then.

One of my friends had a bunch of his artist/musician buddies come to waterloo for the weekend and it was awesome. I miss being in an artistic community, full of debate and thought. I miss the common sense of exploration and creative curiosity. I definitely walked away with some new thoughts and encouragement.

It was weird to explain what I do artistically and my current projects from people i think of as serious artists(more serious than i) and have them respond positively and authentically. I often feel like i am not good enough to be catergorized as an artist because I have never had a show or produced anything of much merit. I think I might finally be reaching a point, though, in my development where I can produce something that is executed soundly and has a solid approach.
The main problem is I think through my whole idea and perfect it in my mind before I apply any outward energy to it. When I finally do it doesnt match my perfect image in my head and I decide im not a very good artist. I need to practice even pacing with hands and mind so that I can practice my skills and perfect the physical craft of creation so it can keep up with my mind.

A Poem of No Particularity


It has been awhile since I have written any verse at all, this probably doesnt qualify as a real poem but is more of a musings in my head.

dont mess this up
or press your luck
cant give in to fear

treading slowly
testing the water one, two toes at a time
but cant give yourself away

shed the old skin
and drink the new wine,
pretend like its the hundreth time

that this is old hat
and not greek to you
of course, i know where i am, sure i am fine

pray harder than ever tonight that tomorrow will end like today
because it has to that's why

its not desperation in your heart
but the fragile hope of hope
packaged in heavy-handed anxiety

hold your breath because if it breaks
you buy it, and you cant afford another

you might be discovered,
and hope is contraband
tread wisely and transparent

invisible to those that would destroy
your chance at love and happiness
hold tightly to this hope
this fragile little hope, because each day you grow stronger

the past fades and memories grow dim
your footsteps are surer and your path a straight highway

you will get there
learn the patience you neglected before
become the person you covered up so long ago
and take heart

Think Globally, Be Disillusioned Locally

Today I saw first lady bush in person at a political rally. I am not a particularly political person, but i was given a free ticket and was curious enough to go. It was almost like an out of body experience. I wasn't inspired by the speeches, the patriotic music, or the impassioned pleas to "get out the vote".

I am not going to vote this election. I dont believe an ignorant vote is a responsible vote. I haven't taken the time this election cycle to educate myself and frankly didnt care to. I do not feel like I am a part of the community enough to connect with a candidate or be concerned over issues.

The saying goes " think globally, act locally" and I see the wisdom in that. Be aware of the interdependence of the world and be concerned on a global scale, but go to work to change things where you are, and then real change will be effected. Its the same concept as "if everyone took care of everyone else and didnt worry about themselves, then everyone would be taken care of and no one would have to worry about themselves".

My problem is that I definitely think globally, and thanks to technology I can act globally quite effectively. I have friends in several different countries serving as missionaries, I sponsor a child in Rwanda, and have spiritual "family" living in tanzania.

I also see the glut of help organizations that exist in the United States and yet somehow the poor are still poor, the abused are still abused, and the hungry are still hungry. There are so many resources here that mysteriously dont make it to those who need it most. I am a bit disillusioned about acting locally. That doesnt mean that I dont want to act locally, but I feel there is a lot happening here already.

There are a lot of global actions I can take to help those elsewhere in the world that are truly ignored. When Hurricane Katrina struck the gulf coast, the problem was poor logistical planning, the supplies couldnt get to the stranded. In places around the world Hurricane Katrinas happen everyday, and even if logistics were planned, there arent even supplies to be delivered to the stranded.

Season of Doom

im so cold right now at work. my fingers are freezing. fall/winter has officially arrived for me. why do i get so cold so easily? i wish i had a custom made hamster ball for me to take everywhere so i had a perfect climate all the time. no unholy wind forcing its icy hands down the back of my neck and through the zipper of my coat, no more cold harsh air stingy my lungs with icicles. i am officially beginning my countdown to warm weather. one day down one gazillion to go.

Scars

I have been thinking about scars. Scars are one of the things that make a person unique. I have seen cool scars, terrible scars, ugly scars, and unusual scars. The idea of the scar is intriguing. Many of the events in our lives that define us live only in our memories, when we die those memories go with us and the records of those events are lost. Scars are an independent witness to our lives that we carry with us, a kind of passport. I carry the memory of how the scar was created but someone else can at least know that something happened and depending on the location and shape can probably guess what happened.

I have two slits on the back of my shoulder and one of the front. This means that I had my shoulder scoped when I was 19. To me that brings back memories of the excrutiating pain of physical therapy and the disappointing realization that my shoulder will never be strong no matter what i do.

I have a scar on my forehead and a couple more on my wrist from chickenpox as a child. That brings back memories of my brother bringing home the chickenpox from school and laying at home sick and watching tv while trying not to scratch.

My surgery scar was an injury to help me, chickenpox was a rite of passage in childhood.

I had a friend tell me recently that she has scars from past relationships, things that happened to her that no matter what happens to her in the future, she will bear the mark of that trauma. She cant escape that past. Another friend, who is happily married, told me that even though she has found someone who is right for her she still has the scars from an old relationship that hurt a lot. It was startling for me to see the scar of that pain in her eyes. I didnt realize until then I might carry an unfair view of married people as people whose pasts are magically wiped away by a wedding band. That moment definitely will stay with me.

I too have scars from the past that will show my whole life. The funny thing is we try to hide our scars because it seems we will be rejected by the world if they are exposed. But when someone sees my scars (physical and non) they dont recoil in horror. They usually say something like "thats nothing, you gotta see this one" and show me one of theirs. I do the same thing to other people.

Where do we get this perfection complex? I have a nagging voice in my head that tells me i need to be perfect everyday because if i screw up then i am lost forever and there is no way to grace.

I think I am going to try to be comfortable with my scars and accept them as a part of my life. To be comfortable in my skin.

Jesus has scars. that's an interesting idea.

.......this one is going out to Josh......sorry for the delay. won't happen again.

So my birthday was this weekend. I am officially 25 years old. Last year my friends threw me a surprise party which was a blast. this year was markedly different mostly because it was more subdued. but i had just as much fun. the only hard part of birthdays and such is you have to make sure all your friends who may not know each other very well are not bored and like each other.

We went out to jameson's pub and some of us were in costume. I was dressed as an iPod commercial, which in theory is a good costume and is almost cool in practice, but looks kinda creepy when your whole face is blacked out except your eyes. it had a zoolander effect, but creepier. I took my makeup off halfway through the night because my face felt like a slab of concrete and i couldnt make the facial gestures required of a birthday girl at an irish pub on halloween weekend.

I am the sort that looks back at certain times of the year (4th of July and my birthday) and compare my current situation with that of the year previous. Overall, each time I look back I see overwhelming improvement. One year ago I was going to begin my first real post grad job tomorrow, i lived in a neat, if impossibly small, apartment. I had a junker little car and wasnt sure if I would ever get to be a designer.

This year I am one year into my real job, I am working as a designer and have a better car(in theory). I have a bigger place to live, with a great kitchen, and live near some of my closest friends.

I had a good time this year, and fell asleep with a smile on my face. i wonder what will happen this next year.

My Security Blanket

I realized tonight that sex and the city is my adult security blanket. Boys may never understand this show and its power over women, but it is quite possibly one of the best things ever. Right up there with Anne of Green Gables as far as tv shows are concerned. Every girl identifies with the good times, the bad times, and shoes. We all have a Mr. Big, an Aidan, and a Berger.


Certain episodes remind me of different parts of my life, mostly living with some good friends one summer before my last year of college. it was a good time. We watched entire seasons in one day and commiserated.

When I see re-runs on tv i feel like im comfortable place, like going home a little bit. i know that carrie and samantha and charlotte and miranda will always be there for me no matter what.

Choice and Freedom

My decision to lay down my old lifestyle and old habits has allowed me a freedom I never knew before. I am not a slave to all those old things. Release from emotional prison has given me the eyes to see other places I am captive in my life. Financially, I am held back by school debt, car loan, and credit cards. School debt doesnt bother so much because it was an investment. The car loan is a short term thing and builds credit score. The credit cards are the problem. I am not a big spender, but have had to use them and it takes awhile to pay off the bigger purchases I made. I want to become financially free from this so I am learning to discipline my spending. Its not too hard to not buy clothes, music, or other material goods but i am quite weak when it comes to food, alcohol, and trips. The less money I spend the more money I have to pay towards the cards. I practiced today at the store and it worked more or less. I did buy a coffee but I got a houseblend not a fancy mocha frappa cappa latte au lait drink. It will take work but its better to work now and be free than to stay captive indefinitely.

Trannys: Old and New

So my car does need the new tranny. I guess when it had the accident a few years ago it may have caused unseen problems with the transmission that are surfacing now. So that is 2k out of the pocket but I am just glad I can pay for it and will have a car with a good resale value. I didnt even think about it being related to the fact the car is a salvage title, but at least i know it wasnt something I neglected or did. I worked out last night for the first time in a long time, and my legs are so sore. I really need to motivate myself to work out tomorrow night, hopefully it wont be too bad. I will do some stretching tonight. oh yeah........(kool aid man voice). I am hanging out with my friend amber this weekend, it will be nice to see her and her kid. I think she has known me longer than any of my current friends, since I was 18. Its crazy to think back that far and think of all the things that have happened.

next weekend is my birthday and i think my friend amber, whose birthday is two days later, should get off our asses and have our much discussed party. the only bad thing about parties is you have great ideas but you dont have the money to spend on them. oh well, we will figure it out.

so how spacey am i. i decided to take advantage of my eye doctor benefits and scheduled an eye exam from the list an insurance lady gave me on the phone. I called the office and made the appt. for friday at 10:30. Tonight at home I realize that i dont know if it is this friday or next (next i think) or where the office is. Gaads, I am a brilliant girl. I guess I can call tomorrow. I am looking into getting new glasses, at least my lenses are free in this plan and possibly the frames, if not free, will be partially discounted. I need some new glasses because I think my prescription is a bit old and these frames I have got bent in africa so they slide off my face if I look down. I also have to call the insurance company about my wisdom teeth. Looking forward to that surgery about 7 years after my dentist first recommended it. No more headaches!

Its kind of pathetic how i havent used my insurance when I could have. I think I got so used to being uninsured that it just doesnt occurr to me.

i was reading a friend's blog and saw the following comment:

what a poignant account of the narative we all have in our hearts. would that we all recognized how desperate we are; the faithful hide their desperation so well. thomas merton once said that harlem proclaims its sin from the roof tops while hollywood covers it in glitter. as the years pass, i recognize, if only in the barest, slightest whisperings of my soul, that it is better to be harlem. at least then my self-deception is washed away and though left raw, i am free. free to be healed and to start again and follow the Lord in any way i may. this is the gospel, i think...this is Christ. and i like to say that again and again whenever i remember.

I think that i agree, when God scrubs off the dirt it leaves me raw, but at least I am clean and free.

i dont have to work my first job this morning. so i get to stay home a little bit and be lazy. that doesnt happen much anymore. it used to be my lifestyle of choice. I rescheduled my car appt for wednesday, because it works better, but its more delay in knowing my fate. im kinda sleepy still, i think the rain isnt helping me wake up and be motivated. crap, i just remembered i have to pay utility bills before work today. but first a little snooze before i really have to get up.

i love glass, especially colored glass.
i love homemade quilts.
i love antique greeting cards.
i love good old movies on a sunday afternoon.
i love listening to the rain when i am bed.
i love trees in the fall that look like smoldering embers
i love re-reading birthday cards from friends that remind me of good things.
i love taking tea in the afternoon with karen.
i love speaking spanish.
i love discovering something new.
i love the water, the ocean in particular.
i love shiny, smooth aluminum foil.
i love midnight during a snowfall when there is no wind and the world is so quiet and soft.
i love a purring sleepy cat on my lap.
i love reading a book that makes me forget where i am or what time it is.
i love creating something new.
i love making my friends laugh.
i love laughing.
i love adam's hot cocoa.
i love good poetry.
i love the way children show love.
i love scarves.
i love making a great dinner.
i love great wine.
i love going to bed when i am so tired my body hurts.
i love a brilliant sunset.
i love surprises.
i love when my friend shows me a better way to be without knowing it.
i love learning.
i love color.
i love singing old hymns in a group.
i love warm toes.
i love waking up in love with someone.
i love gentleness.
i love seeing an old friend.
i love to travel.
i love the burger king in victoria station.
i love pretty much everything london.
i love spain.
i love talking on the phone when it is necessary.
i love curling my hair on occassion.
i love new shoes.

i hate it when you are tired of thinking of something and talking about it but it wont leave your mind. i hope this personal dissection ends soon so i can get on with changing my life so i dont have to find myself back in this same place again. This is a hard place to be and I dont ever want to come back.

I have a new set of eyes. "Those that have hears let them hear and those that have eyes let them see". Thats me now. In spiritual matters, I believe that life happens and we make choices to either grow closer to or further away from God. I have taken a step closer. I realized a long time ago in my head that I am not doomed to repeat the past if I dont want to, but my heart still chose to carry around the weight everyday. My head made the right changes but it couldnt travel to my spirit and show up in my actions. I was reading Celebration of Discipline and thinking of the how it echos The Complex Christ, or vice versa since it was written first when it hit me. I am free, free from all those ghosts that have haunted me. I had the mental revelations over this past week, but for the first time I had the spiritual awakening I have pursued.


But that is not the way you learned Christ! assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self,which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds,and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

For the first time it is possible for me to do this. I felt the Holy Spirit work a subtle transformation. All I could do was laugh and feel free for the first time in a long time. Freedom doesnt mean guranteed happiness or all the answers, but it does mean the ability to make choices and improve upon myself, and i can definitely handle that.

crap. the seals are leaking.have to take apart the entire transmission. minimum one grand to fix. crap. this sucks so bad. i will get over it but it does put a dent in my debt free as soon as i can be plan.

crap. my axel shaft is leaking. i have to take it to the dealer. they said it can be anything from an axle all the way to an entire transmission. faaaaaaaaaa........... i knew my dad jinxed me a couple weeks ago when he asked how my car was doing. crap.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin
Then I wouldn't be lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

I just want to feel safe in my own skin just want to be happy again.
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin just want to be happy again.
I just want to feel safe in my own skin just want to be happy again.

I had my iTunes on shuffle this morning and this song came on. Its one of those songs that brings up memories of the past, and is connected to events that were important and changed you. I remember the summer after I graduated high school and I first discovered Dido with my friend Amanda. It was the soundtrack of our summer. I listened to it infrequently after that, and now I think I am rediscovering it. I have to be honest with myself over what has happened in the past month. I talked with my dear friend Jenny today about all the changes I am experiencing and she likened it to when we went to Tanzania and were preparing to step off the bus that took us to the church where we were going to stay. We all knew this was a significant moment, that we were going to experience brand new things and there might be some scary bits, some happy bits, some sad bits, etc. but we were all going to step off that bus. Stepping onto the red dirt of the churchyard was a physical symbol of the internal acknowledgement that things were about to change.

And it was true, I am not the same person. And yes, part of it was hard, part of it was incredible, part of it was sorrowful, etc. but i learned and improved on my character. that trip set the stage for a great work in my heart.

Now I am symbolically stepping off the bus again in my personal life. I have been traveling towards change for the past 1.5 years, just like i prepared to go to africa before I got there. I broke off a relationship that was damaging my spirit and wasnt going anywhere. I gave myself time to distance myself from that past and discover who I was and learn why I cant let myself sacrifice my spiritual or emotional self just to have someone want me for their girl.

It took some time but things did change in my heart and mind, I now have no desire for that kind of relationship. Until I tried a new relationship, though, I had no idea that I still had my old dating habits. Kind of like new wine in an old wineskin.

And boy, how that old wineskin did split. I found myself confused and totally in over my head. I caught myself in these old habits, almost powerless to stop myself, and so disappointed that I couldnt. It was the oddest experience. My head knew what was going on but my body just didnt pay attention. I didnt want to act the way I did and so I kind of froze and Im sure sent a bunch of confusing mixed signals that probably came across as very hot-cold. I couldnt feel a consistent way even though I wanted to. I didnt know how.

So I am going to learn how to become a new wineskin, so that I can have that which I caught a glimpse of, a wonderful way to do a relationship. Not based on physical attraction and fixation, but on a common interest in each other and each other's lives. To be involved and interdependent, and to develop a deeper friendship that cant be matched. and then add a little kissing on top for good measure.

i had a dream last night about tanzania. It segued from one dream, i was cuddling on a couch with i guess i would say a significant other, im not sure who it was, which is another mystery. why do we have dreams and dont know the identity of a key player? All I remember is he was very good at kissing my neck. I think I know who it was but the uncertainty is always disappointing , i would like to remember these things more clearly.
Anyways...to the point of the story. I was cuddling on the couch with john doe and oh yeah, the couch was lit in an eternal sunshine memory erasing way, sorta spotlighted. I was pulled away from the couch and went to a completely new scene. I was in Tanzania, and under a outdoor park shelter the elders and other people were there. I ran around hugging and kissing everyone and searching out those I hadnt seen yet. I remember crying out their names as I saw them and they all smiled and embraced me. it was so real, i woke up and was confused, I didnt know where I was for a second. weird. i havent dreamed about tanzania in awhile.

can a stage four person be counseled by a stage three? I recently entered into a mentor relationship with a woman at my church whom I became friends with over the past year. I thought this mentor relationship would be a good thing, and I still do, but I dont know how much I am going to learn. She is a very loving person, and very sincere about her commitment to this but I dont know if she is the best mentor for me. But Im doing this for a reason and maybe I can learn something that I would never expect thru this relationship. I hope so. I shouldnt disqualify an experience because it doesnt like the best at first.

frick. fall is definitely here and seems in a huge hurry to pass the baton on to winter. I love chilly weather when its friendly chilly. the kind that I can wear a heavy jacket and scarf and warm my fingers with a coffee while I crunch leaves under my feet. That only lasts about 2 weeks unfortunately and then the cold sets in and chills me to the core. I hate being cold because I get cold so easily. I wish winter was that first 2 weeks that I enjoy so much, but unfortunately where I live that isnt going to happen without some serious global warming. So once again I brace myself for to freeze the next 4-5 months hoping for spring.

random socio-economic thought. societies exist to increase safety(safety in numbers) and everyone's general chance of survival. I think the western world has gotten so good at being a successful model of survival that people have forgotten that there's no gurantee that you will survive. the collective continues on but we have grown so accustomed to safety that anytime tragedy strikes and someone dies that it is greeted with shock that our system failed. we have take death out of life and i think we have lost a part of life in the process. We live in a bubble padded world where safety is a right and a happy ending is demanded. I am realizing more and more that not many people live out that fantasy as reality and have to come to terms with the idea that maybe my story wont have a happy ending, that my safety is not guranteed forever and death has to be a part of life so that you can actually tell when you are living.

the fallout continues. why is it that certain events do more to change one than years of experiences? Or maybe its the watershed moment that allows you to see what has been happening slowly but surely over time and it can be overwhelming. The waters of my mind and spirit have been stirred and all that silt is everywhere in my head. So many things I havent let myself think about in a long time. One conversation and I am forever changed.

I have a lot of choices to make. But no idea where to start.
Do i use past experience to guide me or do I let memories of past experience gone wrong make me full of doubt for the future?
Things change so quickly or from the beginning can be not what they seem, so what do I trust?
Do i keep to the things I know, even if they havent worked out before or do I press forward into the radically new?
Do I play myself or play against type? Do I typecast myself and not believe I could ever have things differently or do i try to be something I am not?
About a year ago I believed I was in love with someone, and I think he thought the same. We had shared some great experiences together, like studying abroad in the same city, and I think that shared history caused us to build a false positive.
The quiet place in my soul knew it was wrong and couldnt be sustained because it just knows. without proof or confirmation from an outside source.
I let it go on, because I wanted it to be true. I needed it to be true. I wanted to finally have that relationship problem solved.
I learned last fall/winter that you cant sustain something like that, even as hard as you try. At least not me. my quiet place spoke too loudly and guided too firmly to permit that. I couldnt ignore the still small voice that had never been wrong before.
He wasnt my "type". I thought I needed to find a new type because the my "type" leaves me with a broken heart and scared to try again. I know my mistake now, I knew my type and knew it needed to be changed, and tried to change it to something brand new and alien. To Something/one that didnt suit me at all. I tried to force a change, and of course it didnt work.
I dont regret the experience, it taught me a lot about patience and wisdom and "not awakening love before its ready".
He emailed me a couple of weeks ago, because we are still friends and I was glad to hear from him as my friend. I dont regret ending that "romance". It wasnt true. I just hoped it would be.

Fast forward to this year(montage!) Yes I am single, and yes sometimes that sucks. I know that I cant be with my old "type" anymore, that it's gone. My new type is still taking shape and I think that has more to do with me changing and learning about life and love than anything else. I know my new type will find me someday and I wont have to force a thing.

Ive decided my type sucks, and I wont let something new and different scare me, but intrgue me instead. My goal is to wait for love to wake me up to whats going on instead of shaking it violently from sleep so it can serve my needs. I have a lot of active waiting to do, but I really want to do it.

phew. chicago o'hare is quickly loosing its esteem on my list of airports. the last 5 times I have been through there it has conspired to keep me in the lounge as long as possible. granted, one instance was weather related, but jeez, let go airport, just let go.
I had a wonderful time at my dad's for his 50th bday party, and I know he really enjoyed it, my brother and i flew in and surprised him and then we had a surprise dinner for him at a great restaurant with some of his good friends.
My sister continues to grow up and as she matures we grow closer and become better friends. Its hard to do that when there is a 12 year gap in age. I did have to straighten her out though. for the first time this weekend, i had to pull out the big sister stick and let her know she was out of line. I hated doing it, but Im glad I did, because it lets her know I am not just a big cool grownup friend, but I love her enough to be bossy and tell her to knock it off. So she stomped off to her room and didnt talk to me for a couple of hours.....i miss having her around a lot. i miss doing stuff together like sharing clothes and talking about boys and all that 13 year old stuff, and especially being a good strong voice in her life.
Speaking of siblings, my brother continues to disappoint me when it comes to values, especially multicultural values. He makes comments about immigrants that come straight from the redneck flag waving center of the good ole U S of A. The "get them no goods out of here so they cant steal our jobs" kind of thinking. It hurts to realize sometimes that brothers and sisters are very different people than you and will have at times completely opposite views from yourself. I dont think he realizes he does it, either. As a bilingual speaker I have a distinct view from his and I know that he doesnt care to entertain any other thoughts than his own.
I got asked to send my resume to a PR firm out east this weekend, and it was rather jarring. Anytime a seemingly far off goal rushes into the foreground I get a little gun shy. I know that I am not in a position to move in the near future for a variety of reasons, but it is nice to know that it can happen. I am not stuck here. I can breathe easier.

so my friend m. she took a deep breath and a big step and moved out of her dad's house. it was a bad situation and I am glad that she finally left. the catch is they just recently moved to atlanta, so she doesnt have her close friends like me around to support and help her. she is living with an amazing lady from her office, renting a room. it sounds like a great starting point. its hard not to be there when something like this happens, but i am glad someone else stood in for me.
i finished chapter two of the complex christ, and its pretty much official. I am in love. all i have to do now is go to england and consummate the relationship by shaking Kester Browin's hand.

im excited for pesto tonight, it will be the perfect setup to project runway (eee!) and then i will enjoy the memory again while packing to go to my dad's house tomorrow. Im not obsessed with food, but when good food happens, i appreciate it. Just like good music, which isnt happening right now. My company changes the music channel twice a day so that every style is played at least once a week. For example, tuesday afternoons is country so I plug my ears. Wednesday afternoon is lets turn sucky pop music into even worse muzak propaganda. oh,well. it happens.

I am reading the complex christ and I dont know if that is good or bad. It is one of those books that makes one sigh and say "ah, so i am not the only one who thinks this" and at the same time makes the world you live in a harder place to be because you so desperately desire a different way. complex christ discusses the church and its current situation, as an 8 track player in a brand new car. Its there, but of little to no use and doesnt jive with anything that has happened in the last 20 years. Mr Brewin makes the sort of organized professional academic argument for change that i wish my impatient fast paced little mind could. I am totally in love with his references to other works, because for once a cited author actually relates to the point the citing author is making, with no need for the citing author to expound on that quote or manipulate it into their theory. how refreshing. Im only in the first chapter, and am very eager/apphrensive for the next seven. this might be a book that evolves my thinking and i am always on the lookout for that.

I have had several blogs, im not sure why i am starting this one other than i like a fresh start and it seems like i am the only one i know without a blog on this site. So yeah............and this is all true. I think i will avoid making promises to update often or use this blog for a specific theme or decide whether my powers are for good or evil. I think i will leave off there and get back to my exciting and personally fulfilling job. kisses.